


Pitiful Creature

by aconsultinghuntress26



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Cannon Divergence, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I will add tags as chapters are added, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Slow To Update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-04 21:25:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1793683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aconsultinghuntress26/pseuds/aconsultinghuntress26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Pitiful creature of darkness, what kind of life have you known? God give me courage to show you, you are not alone."- Phantom of the Opera</p><p>After making your escape with your fellow Warriors, your small party plans on how to get back home alive. How will others receive you upon your return? Especially since your mission is not complete. But after losing half of your friends and your lover in the process, you seek comfort that is long over due.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> Slight spoiler warning and cannon divergence.  
>  **EDIT AS OF 5/14/17: I am still wanting to extend this, especially now that Season 2 of the anime is about to reach this point and the Manga has provided so much more back story for certain characters .** This idea had been written prior to finding out anything past Chapter 50 or so in the Manga (which is now at Chapter 94), so it will divert starting just after this point. I can't remember all of my previous plot bunnies so bear with me as I have to kinda start over. (Hey a lot has happened in my personal life over 3 years yo). 
> 
> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters from Attack on Titan/Shingenki no Koyjin.

“You really think that we’re lost?” Your voice was soft, but the tone dripped with the hatred and anger that you were harboring. Our original party of six young warriors cut down to three. Marcel and Marco were dead, and Annie was trapped in a prison of her own making. Five years with no real guidance has certainly taken its toll on us all. What I have seen and experienced since arriving was nothing close to what any of us expected, but we tried to keep true to our goal…but it’s been a losing battle. Our mission isn’t complete, but we wanted to go home. We had been children after all.

I now sat on the wall in Shiganshina, where our true journey began, and you stood a few meters in front of me looking towards the land beyond. Looking towards our home, and possible freedom. Reiner and Ymir were out scouting for any safer means of lodging for the night, and if we were really lucky something to eat. I still don’t understand how only the three of us made it this far. Marcel never made it to the walls, but his sacrifice helped ensure that Reiner did. We had all agreed his Titan was essential for our goal. Breaking through the walls was our first goal and executed perfectly to plan. However, escaping the city unharmed after being so close to the non-shifting Titans, became nothing short of a miracle. Our training didn’t fully prepare us for that. While Reiner and I had stayed behind to complete the initial breach, I couldn’t help but fear for your safety. I was so relieved when we found you, Marco, and Annie. It was then that I realized I loved you. The blood bath of our comrades in Trost had my heart and soul in a near constant panic. Not because of the Titans, but you had run off and were missing for its entirety. I was only able to sigh a breath of relief when we found you alive, but it was short lived. The sight of you kneeling and screaming over Marco’s body…I never wanted to hurt you. Afterward you stayed with the Garrison, determined to stick to the plan. However, I knew that wasn’t the true reason and soon you transferred to the Scouting Legion. There had not been enough time to incorporate you into the formation and it was obvious how thoroughly annoyed you were by it all. I was grateful though. Annie made such a mess of exposing who she was during that attempt to capture Eren. It was just a matter of time before Reiner and I were found out, especially since the three of us used the same “home” region on our enlistment papers. Our actions were soon to be brought to light, and this took a toll on each of us in our own ways. Reiner created a second persona of the ideal “solider” and Annie sealed herself away to protect our secrets.

I had been so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even notice you had finally made your way over to me and crouched down to look at my face. The intensity of the fire within your irises made me cringe and start to sweat nervously. I feared, yet still loved the way you looked at me in that instant. If only I could remove the pain they held every other time you did gaze at me.

“Are we lost? Answer me Bertolt.” I knew that my outburst prior to our escape would come back to bite me. You had always known there was a high risk for feelings of guilt based on our actions. You feared guilt, as it could jeopardize everything. However, guilt was taking you full force shortly after starting the Cadet Corps. Marco had become your rock during this time, and his death in Trost was still a devastating mystery to you. The cool and calm composure you had adapted would falter when you thought no one was looking. Hearing you cry in the next room and call out his name through your nightmares spurred my own guilt to bubble over. It broke my heart to see you in this much pain, especially with the knowledge that I could have prevented it. But I was selfish, and so so stupid.

“[First]…” The words just wouldn’t come to my lips. Marco wanted me to protect you if anything should happen to him on this mission. I still don’t understand why he asked me. Reiner would have been a much better match for you. He was more of a protector. He proved this over the past 3 years. And as for me? I just continued to follow our initial orders. So how could I keep that promise to him when you hated me so much? I knew your anger and hatred was based on the events that occurred in Trost. I didn’t listen to your pleas to hold off on breaching the outer gate of the city and followed Annie’s instructions instead. That was the first of the many mistakes I made against you that day.

My gaze darted back to the ground, avoiding yours since I was unable to answer. Roughly, you gripped my jaw and forced me to look at you. Your face so close to mine I could feel that heat from the tears that were streaming down your [s/c] cheeks, causing my breath to hitch. My friend would be so disappointed that I let him down by not keeping my promise. I wasn’t helping you cope or giving you comfort. Instead I made you cry. In all the time I’ve known you, you have never once let any of us see this vulnerable part of you. I had seen the traces of tears and heard your whispered confessions, but Marco had been the one drying your [e/c] eyes and soothing your guilt. He became the love of your life, and it kept you going forward with our mission. I could never fill his shoes.

“Say something.  _Do_  something, Bertl. Anything just…ANSWER ME GOD DAMNIT!” You screamed.

“Are we truly lost?” I couldn’t help but nod. We were, ever so slowly we were losing ourselves, our guilt devouring us whole. Sighing, you loosened your grip on my jaw and instead moved it to cup my cheek. Your thumb brushing away my own tears. The gesture was a stark change. And your eyes shifted from hate and fire to only a dull pain that hadn’t been there just seconds before. I didn’t know what to do. You continued to hold my gaze, our eyes locked together. You must have stared into the depths of my very being. Oh how I wished you could see how much I love you. How I want to make everything better, for _you_. That is my reason for wanting to go home after all, because at home I can take care of you. Even if without my promise to Marco, I would have done everything in my power to make you happy. To give you a life free from guilt that was forced upon us. To give you a life you deserved.

“I’m sorry.” You sank down to your knees as the sobs started. “I’m so sorry Bertolt.” Your hand dropped from my cheek, trailed down my chest-stopping over my heart- before coming to rest on my knee. It would be a lie to say that your touch didn’t cause a pleasurable shiver to dance over me.

“Why did he leave me?” My heart dropped as your gaze broke from mine. Another sob ripped from your throat. “Bertolt, I don’t want to be lost. I don’t want to be alone. Not here. Not in _this_ world.” You began to shake your head, attempting to remove the fear from your mind. The fear that the guilt created. It was my name on your lips that caused me to look at you again, but the anguished plea in your voice made my arms reach out. It felt as if someone else were guiding them. Before I could think better of it your shuddering form being cradled in my lap.

“We may be lost, but…you’re not alone.” I smoothed wet strands of your [h/c] hair away from your face and placed a light kiss on your temple. You wrapped your arms around me and cried harder onto my chest. I kissed your forehead and continued to run my fingers through your hair. I knew that the action always calmed you down after watching you with Marco. After a while I didn’t care that my own tears continued to flow, or that we held onto each other for what seemed like hours. All I cared about was that you were there in my arms and that we would be home soon.


	2. Darkness of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only I had known then where the events on that day would lead us, I would have never returned your smile. I would have told you to stay. I would have told him to stay. You would have been spared of all this pain and guilt. I would have been spared the same. Instead we now have to learn to make do, and understand that while we are lost, we are not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will have massive spoilers for anyone that is not caught up with the Manga. IF YOU ARE AN ANIME ONLY FAN PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD. There is no avoiding that. This chapter and the next will largely be focused on building the backstory for Reader and Bertolt prior to the attack on Trost, and what occurred with Renier, Bertolt, Ymir, and Reader while in Shinganshina. Since there is no clear indication of the time span for all events that occur throughout Chapters 50-74 of the manga, I am going to use some liberty and write a time span of at least 2-3 months. 
> 
> Present events are in normal font and flashbacks are in italics.

_The sun was setting and long shadows from the barracks were cast across the training grounds. Our first day was over and many of the teens in our new class had been barraged with insults by the commanding officer Shadis. This included you and Marco. His statement of wanting to serve the King by being in the Military Police was no surprise. It was part of the plan after all. Your answer on the other hand was a surprise. You had proudly shouted that you were wanting to ensure a normal life for yourself and future family. This had earned a very hearty laugh from Shadis._

_“That doesn’t answer my question? There is no normal life in the military, especially when the Colossal and Armored Titans can reappear at any given moment. With that mind set you will be prime choice to be titan shit.”_

_“I disagree sir!” You retaliated. “There are plenty of Mothers and Fathers serving to protect their children from a life of fear. I plan to do the same, even if I currently don’t have any children.” Shadis raised an eyebrow and looked you up and down._

_“Fighting for the right to live the lives we desire is what unites us all! Sir!” Shadis just shook his head and moved to address the next person in your row. Your gaze never faltered from staring straight ahead. I hadn’t been able to keep my eyes off you. You still wanted your own freedom, yet fulfill the purpose you had been assigned. My heart ached at your admission of the reason you joined us on the mission._

_You and Marco had immediately rejoined at the hip. All the while pretending to have never met before today. As I approached the dining hall, Marco called over to Reiner and me. He wanted to ‘introduce’ us to you. It was a quick way to ensure that any conversations between us wouldn’t be questioned. Not that that had been likely. However, he was always cautious of his actions and how they would be perceived. It had been how he ensured his own worth and usefulness in the eyes of the Marley military._

_“Nice to meet you.” Your bright smile caused my heart to skip a beat. You had never looked at me that way before. Marco and Reiner continued to chat. My eyes diverted from yours and caught Annie walking past our group. I pointed in her direction, making a meek excuse of wanting to find a place to sit and walked away._

_* * * * *_

I couldn’t help but think of that memory of you smiling. It was the first time I really saw you smile. How I wanted to make you smile again. You continued to cry as I rubbed your back, squeezing you every now and then when your sobs started back up.

“How did we end up here?” You asked. The question was rhetorical, but I attempted to answer anyway. Nothing coherent stammered out of my mouth, until you looked up at me.

“Do-do you remember how we met?” I asked. Your brows and forehead wrinkled in confusion.

“What? In front of the dining hall-”

“No. How we really met.” I corrected. You cast your eyes downward and sighed.

“Bertl, what has that got to do with anything right now?”

“Well…” Again words failed me. What good was I if I still couldn’t comfort you the way he had been able to?

“Well I remember.” The memory came flooding back. “It’s a perfect example of just how stubborn you are.” You scoffed.

“You’re trying to distract me aren’t you?”

“I-is it working?” I smiled slightly. You stayed silent and leaned your head against my chest again.

_We had been around 8 years old when our parents signed us up to become Warriors. The Marley officials were calling names for each training unit. The belief was that each had to work together to determine who would be the next generation to inherit 5 of the 7 titans that Marley possessed. However, our squad was unique in that we had 6 members: You, Reiner, Annie, Marco, Marcel, and me. We all automatically knew that at least 1 of us wouldn’t make the cut. We had to be chosen as a unit after all. Our names were called one right after the other. I remember you dragged your feet, looking back at your parents. It was obvious you didn’t dare voice your fear. Instead, you turned your face forward, [e/c] eyes dull and blank. A reflection of what I felt deep in the pit of my stomach. We didn’t speak then, just stood next to each other as other names filled our ears. However, you didn’t seem to be paying much attention, and I watched as a silent tear ran down your cheek._

“Oh. Yes, that’s right.” Your voice sounded hollow. “How did I forget? We all spent so much time together. Do your remember Bertl?”

“Of course.” I again wrapped my arms around you, rubbing your arms trying to keep you warm from the cold burst of wind as we continued to sit on top of Wall Maria. My minding again wandering back in time.

_We spent five years learning to work together as a unit and proving our worth to inherit the titan powers, I was devastated when you hadn’t been chosen with the rest of us. We returned to our bunk that we all had shared and Marco and Marcel immediately started to discuss how they would be able to convince the officials that you could still be useful to the mission on Paradis._

_“She’s been our strategist this whole time, and it’s a perfect position for being a spy if needed as no one would suspect her as being a shifter.”_

_“No one should be able to suspect any of us if it came down to it.” You countered._

_“We’re not just going to leave you behind here.” Marcel insisted._

_“Do you think I want to stay here on my own?” Frustration was clear in your expression and voice._

_“You’re a strong warrior, just like the rest of us, and smarter to boot. We will still need you for planning how to best carry out the mission in the field. It’s not your fault that the groups were set up the way they were.” Reiner soon chimed in as well. You just looked around the room before sitting on the mattress that had been supplied to you._

_“I-I don’t know if the officials will go for it.” You sighed. “I mean, you’re right Reiner but-“_

_“She will just be a liability without being able to shift into a Titan.” Annie spoke up from the other side of the room. She had always been quiet within your group, but you had still been grateful of another female peer. Her statement wasn’t meant to be harsh against your skill. It was just a simple fact. You sighed again as your head fell into your hands. Suddenly the door to the bunk crashed open and 2 officials entered. One male, and one female. Those of us sitting scrambled to our feet and designated places in the room._

_“[Last]!” You didn’t even flinch as the echo of your name bounced around the brick walls of the bunk._

_“Front and center. Now!” You raced towards the center of the room and stood stock still in front of the official. It surprised us all when we noticed that the women that stood just to his right was Eldian._

_“[First].” She began after the Marley official stepped aside. “I know you must be disappointed that you’ve not been chose to join the rest of your unit for the mission to Paradis. But...” Even though her smile grew, it didn’t reach her eyes. My brows drew together as we waited for her to continue._

_“You have been chosen for a new program. A new way that strong warriors will be able to assist in the cause.” I watched the color drain from your face as your fate was explained to us all. You had been chosen to become a ‘Mother’. The reasoning the officials provided was that, while you were strong, there was a belief that your offspring would be stronger. It had been determined that you would continue the basic training until you became of an ideal age to bear children. Children that would then be guaranteed to inherit a Titan. There would be no changing your status within this ‘program’. You disagreed, it was obvious on your face. You believed that they shared the view that you were weak and this was some type of punishment under the guise of being useful._

_However, you were far from weak in my eyes. It was true you had shown compassion when not in ‘battle mode’, but it had never been viewed as a weakness. Marco also showed compassion and understanding, yet he was to inherit one of the Titans with the rest of us. After the officials left, your knees buckled and Marco had reached out to you. Your breaths became ragged. Marco placed a hand on your shoulder in an act of comfort, but you quickly brushed him off. Reiner also tried to give some encouraging words, but they fell on deaf ears. Annie even attempted to comfort you, apologizing and offering a hug. This was not something that any of us had even dreamed could happen. You had gladly accepted her comfort as it appeared that you were too embarrassed by the explanation of the new ‘program’ and didn’t want to even look any of us males in the eye, let alone be touched by one of us. Yet you needed comfort. None of us had been able to sleep that night as your muffled cries filled the darkness._

_Two days later you were separated from the five of us. We were told that we now had to master the special abilities of our assigned Titans and learn to work with one less unit member. Two months went by before any of us saw you. I was at a well getting water when you rushed over to me. You had told me that you wanted to find a way out. You tried to hide it, but there was panic in your voice. You needed to find an escape. You wanted to prove them wrong and show that you were of greater value than bearing children. You didn’t want to lose this one choice you always thought you would be able to make yourself. Having a family of your own had been a desire, but you wanted it on your own terms if you didn’t inherit a Titan first. You explained that you didn’t trust any of the potential ‘mates’ that were being considered for you. Every conversation you overheard from the officials had been so clinical sounding. You only trusted us, your former unit members. Your friends, you called us._

_“Bertolt.” Your arms wrapped around me and my breath caught in my throat. “Please don’t let them take this small choice from me. They’ve already taken so much. I’d rather be able to pick someone for myself….can’t I just choose one of you?” I wasn’t able to say anything._

_Marco didn’t hesitate in his decision after I told him. After finding you he offered to stay with you and I saw your entire demeanor change. You became calm and you smiled. The officials agreed, but due to your young age and the need to carry out the mission, you would still be left behind. If Marco returned successful then he would be your ‘mate’. You had been right, the way the term had been used was too clinical and sent an unpleasant shiver down my spine. A week before we were to leave for Paradis you stated to Reiner that you wouldn’t just stay behind while your unit went off on this mission. You had worked too hard. This was your stubbornness. Once you made a decision such as this, you stuck to it. But I saw the truth was that you couldn’t be separated from us, from Marco. It became clear you didn’t trust the officials to keep their word after the mission was completed. So you and Reiner made a plan that allowed you to stow away and accompany us. You were discovered, in a rations barrel that Marco’s titan form was to carry, well after the officials had left us to travel towards the Walls. I was so happy to see you it caught me by surprise. You immediately voiced how happy you were that we were altogether again, but your arms didn’t embrace me the same way they did Marco. That was the first true stab of jealousy that I felt._

_Sadly, we weren’t able to remain together as not all of us made it to the Walls. Because of this you started to feel the first traces of guilt. We had to split up into our 2 sub-units to dodge a group of mindless titans. Marcel died protecting Reiner, who had only ended up in the titan’s path in his attempt at protecting you. You couldn’t shift, so they decided to walk with you for a short time. If only we had recognized how truly dangerous that whole plan was, but what do you expect from a group of 14 year olds. Honestly it was just the first of many bad choices we were to make. After Marcel’s death each of us took turns carrying the others while in our Titan form to avoid any other loses. The second bad decision was the initial breach of the Walls._

_“There’s no need for all four of you to shift just for us to get in.” You explained. This had always been your strength. The tactical and strategic planning. It just felt right to hear your voice filled with confidence as you were in your element._

_“Reiner and Bertolt are the best choices to break down this first wall.” The Walls didn’t need to be broken. However, given the options that the Eldian’s inside the Walls would be subjected to, we all decided that a more immediate death was a better fate. Some of us agreed to this more eagerly than others. My entire memory of that day was blurred by the chaos that ensued. The only clear portions were images of your face, pale, as we made our way across the city as mindless titans wandered their way in. Yet somehow you remained collected enough to guide us on the outer edges of the city and towards the one gate that took us one step closer to where we needed to go. Reiner was then able to shift without being noticed and make his way toward the gate. Of course that was after the rest of you safely made it through._

_The weight of our actions didn’t become apparent until you began to overhear conversations of the sheer devastation that our attack caused. After this you started to become anxious. Marco was able to calm you and the decision was made to leave the immediate city we had found ourselves in and separate ourselves between two villages. Reiner, Annie, and I would be from one village, and you and Marco from another. To keep our identities hidden, we made an effort to blend in and create false histories. This also helped ease some of your growing anxiety that you tried to hide. You had been able to gain so much insight into the social and political structure within the Walls over the 2 years we spent before joining the Military._

_“The military will be the best way for you to get close enough to the King.” You explained to me late one night. Our respective villages were not that far from each other and neither of us could sleep. There was a small lake between them that we would all meet at every other week. But you and I would meet much more often._

_“We’ll be able to accomplish our objective more quickly that way and return home as Heroes.” Home. Throughout our journey to the Walls and in the aftermath of the attack on Shiganshina district, we all wanted nothing more than to return home and what had been promised to be a life of peace._

_The third bad decision stemmed from my own selfishness and jealousy. I went against your request to wait on breaking Wall Rose until after the 4 of us in the top 10 had entered the Military police and you the Garrison. Instead I chose to follow Annie. It was purely out of jealousy of watching you and Marco for 5 years. During training you were almost always together. It only added to my jealousy when he asked me to protect you should anything ever happen to him on this mission. He said he felt that you trusted me to some degree since you had initially confided in me about your worries and need to leave Marley. I didn’t even consider what the result of my actions that day would be. The tragedy in Trost was more than you could bare. You lost Marco. You had lost the one that you grew to love over the past 5 years we spent within the Walls. The guilt you felt increased with added shame as you hadn’t been able to save him. I just stood by and watched as he was partially devoured by another mindless titan. I never told you this, and it is one of the secrets that I will take to my grave. If you ever learned that those he had grown to trust since he was 7 years old were the ones responsible for his death…well I would hate to find out what your reaction would be. At the time, the fight about breaking Wall Rose had seemed like such a trivial thing. Annie continued to believe that death would be a better fate for those within the walls. Given the chance the Marley government would wipe them out in more brutal ways than being eaten by a titan or required to face a fate worse than death. You were a prime example. However, you yet again disagreed._

_“Marely will only assume that we are still working towards our goal. We are so close to being able to reach the interior. Breaking Wall Rose will not create any type of advantage now!”_

_“Keep your voice down [First]!” Reiner warned. “If you want to keep an advantage then stop talking.”_

_“He’s right.” Marco interjected. “Let’s all sleep on this and decide in the morning.”_

_“Are you kidding me Marco?” Your whisper was frantic with the thought that he would be in agreement with Annie._

_“[First] I’m-“_

_“No good can come from breaking Wall Rose. Keeping our advantage-our true identities hidden-is the best way for us to quickly achieve our goal and return home. There’s no need for creating even more meaningless loss.”_

_“Your altruism is very touching.” Annie calmly stated. “I know that you mean well, but you are failing to see the big picture this time. Even if we are successful and return with the Founding Titan, we are still condemning them to death. Might as well have it be sooner than later. And at least this way we might be given a chance for our own lives to be spared.”  You scoffed and stared at Annie with a look of incredulity. Before you could get another word in she walked off and back into the dining hall with the rest of our comrades. Reiner and Marco soon followed._

_“Let’s sleep on it okay?” He stroked the side of your face and kissed your forehead before following Reiner._

_“’kay. I’m going to stay out here a bit longer. Clear my head.” Marco furrowed his brow, but was appeased at my gesture indicating that I’d stay with you. Our conversation that followed merely led to an argument that added fuel to my own jealousy, and the next morning we never got the chance to apologize for our harsh words. Instead I allowed my hurt to cloud my judgement and follow Annie to the Wall._

“This is all my fault isn’t it?” You had pushed yourself away from my lap and sat facing me. “I’m the reason that so many have died. T-that Marcel a-a-and Marco…” You started to pant again as your panic attack started.

“No. No you’re not.” I grabbed your hand and squeezed trying to convey my reassurance. “T-this is...this is my fault.”


	3. A Calm Night Before a Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and the others settle in Shinganshia as the first of many winter storms begins to roll in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This really is just filler, but hopefully you guys will see some of the dynamics between Reader, Bertolt, and Reiner. I will be building on this more in later chapters. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, even constructive criticism is welcome. 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters from Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin.

** Chapter 2- A Calm Night Before a Storm (Reader POV) **

The dark grey clouds that had been threatening rain all day finally begin to make good on their promise. What started as a light trickle quickly escalated to a decent shower.

“Bertolt this isn’t your fault.” You sighed. Looking back towards his face you saw Reiner and Ymir jogging up behind him. 

“There’s a small section of the district that doesn’t have any sign of damage. Well, apart from normal wood decay.” Reiner announced.

“One of the more decent homes has a garden attached too. Most of it still looks like its edible produce. At least we’ve caught a small break with that.” Ymir chimed in. You quickly wiped your [e/c] eyes of any remaining tears and the streaks on your cheeks. It was still hard for you to process that it had been Ymir’s titan that took Marcel away from you all just 5 years ago, but you were grateful that she had come along at the very end. Without her help you and Bertolt would have both been killed by the score of mindless Titans that had suddenly attacked Reiner. While you didn’t feel the surge of energy the other 3 had when Eren called out, you immediately knew what had likely occurred. He had the power of the coordinate, the Founding Titan. The reckless bastard didn’t know what he was going to be capable of and it just spelled disaster for everyone back home.

Home. You had started to hope that maybe Marley had forgotten about you and that you'd be able to make a new home on this island. A life away from the walled off ghettos that you had been forced to live within. Back home you had no real say your major life choices. Your parents enlisted you to the Warrior program. The Marley officials designated you for breeding and were going to choose for you what was best described as your breeding partner. You went with it all though. You never once voiced your hesitation, your fears, and your doubts of what was really in store for you. That was one thing that Marco expressed he had always admired about you. You always had a strong sense of duty that gave you an air of being fearless and collected. But now…there were so many doubts that you held regarding your return home. Would the Marley officials keep any of their promises? It took all of your mental strength to maintain your faith that your remaining Warriors would be rewarded as promised. They could become honorary citizens and at least have a better chance at a life they wanted, if even only for a short time. You knew that you would not be as welcomed back as you were really no longer a Warrior in the eyes of the Marley officials. You shook your head to clear the thoughts as you continued to ruminate. You hadn’t been paying any real attention to the conversation the others were having.

“Hey, [First].” Reiner called to you. “How does that sound?” You blinked at him and looked to Bertolt.

“How does what sound?” Ymir scoffed and answered before either male had a chance to repeat Reiner’s proposition.

“There’s a house with a garden over that way.” She pointed to the north eastern corner of the district. “There have been no titans spotted in the nearly 7 hours that we’ve been here. Staying there will be better much than on top of this damn wall until- what’d you say his name was?”

“Zeke.”

“Right. Until Zeke returns with what Reiner believes are going to be reinforcements.”

“It is likely that the Scouts will make their way here after they’ve had a chance to recuperate…likely after winter passes too.” Bertolt stated while he looked back towards where you had just traveled from. You followed his gaze to the vast expanse of land that was between Wall Maria and Wall Rose.

“Come on.” Ymir grabbed your elbow. “It’s getting darker and I’m already soaked. Let’s get inside to dry out and get some rest. We all need it.” You looked down at your own clothing that was also completely soaked. It was only then that you realized how cold you were and that you had forgotten the jacket of your uniform. You had been in such a hurry to chase after the boys when they ran off with Eren, you didn't really finish getting dressed. Of course, you mentally kicked yourself now. It took you an extra minute to fully see just how cold your body was and crossed your arms over your chest. 

“Since when did you become so motherly?” Reiner smirked at Ymir.

“Since when did you start to get a bon-“

“Don’t.” Reiner cut her off. You shook your arm our of Ymir’s grasp. While you were grateful for her help, you didn’t exactly want her comfort. Which in itself was strange. She shrugged and continued to make her way towards what you assumed was the house, now dragging Reiner along with her. She still didn’t have her own ODM gear and needed someone to carry her down from the top of the wall. You felt a very warm hand wrap around your own cold one.

“[First].” Bertolt locked his deep green eyes with yours and your heart felt a painful twinge. You opened your mouth to apologize again for your outburst. None of the day’s events had been his fault, but you still let your frustration out on him.

“Let’s head on down okay? I know you’ll feel better once you’re warm again.” He took your hand and gently squeezed your hand. You instinctively stepped closer to him. There was always something about the way he spoke that compelled you to trust and follow him. That had been the reason you sought him out all those years ago. Why you had always sought him out first before the others. You returned the gesture and forced a smile, noting how the worry in his gaze subsided slightly.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

*****

Bertolt and Reiner quickly got a fire started in the hearth that was in the center of the large main room. Just off to the right side there was a long counter top with a basin and water pump and several cabinets. They were filled with dishes, cooking pots and skillets of various sizes, and jars of dried herbs. There were even some jarred fruit preserves, but you doubted they were still good after what could only be assumed was several years on the shelf. Ymir came back down a flight of stairs that led to what she reported to be 2 bedrooms. In her arms she held some dry clothes and tossed you a wad of dark fabric.

“Change into this before you drip all over the place.” You caught the fabric in your hands, holding it out a good distance from you before dropping it on the nearby table. You had gotten the straps that held your ODM gear off and proceeded to unbutton your [color] blouse when Ymir shouted at you. Out of the corner of your eye both men jumped at the sudden sound.

“Oi! What the hell are you doing undressing in the middle of the room?”

“What?”

“You were always so modest changing in the barracks, but now you’re just gunna take everything off with no regard for the others in the room?” She titled her head to indicate she meant Reiner and Bertolt who were kneeling by the hearth still removing their own ODM gear straps.

“The three of us literally grew up together sharing sleeping quarters.” You calmly explained. “There’s no part of my body that they haven’t seen before.”

“EHHHHH!” She whipped her head around to the men looking for what you assumed to be some assistance. When she received none her composure returned along with a smirk. The lack of an obvious reaction was all she apparently needed to confirm what you had said.

“Hmm…was that before or after you got your breasts and started bleeding?” Your raised your eyebrows, but matched her smirk. _‘Oh this is the game she wants to play now?’_

“Before...and after.” You hoped your tone and body language conveyed nonchalance as you grabbed the clothing that she handed you and strode over to another bedroom on the other side of the main room. “Isn’t that right guys?” As you passed you saw Bertolt’s cheeks darken several shades of red and Reiner had a frozen almost horrified look.

“Aw, come on Reiner.” You whined, turning to face them. “I didn’t look that bad at 14…right.” His eyes darted to the fire in the hearth.

“Bertl and I are going to see what’s in the garden. Maybe we can make some…um…some-”  

“Soup?” Ymir offered.

Reiner quickly stood up and dragged the still blushing giant with him. Once the door was shut Ymir started to laugh.

“It’s going to be way too much fun teasing them.”

“Oh I know, believe me.” You shut the bedroom door behind you as you chuckled to yourself.

A few minutes later you emerged again wearing the dry shirt, which luckily had been long enough to cover your ass. That was provided you didn’t bend over or raise your arms to reach for anything. Ymir didn't give you any bottoms and as you changed you realized that it had been just over 3 years since they saw certain parts of you. You promised yourself to make a conscious effort to keep yourself covered as much as you could until you found something more to wear. But that would not be tonight you decided as you stepped out of the bedroom.   

“Oh _you_ get pants?” You glared at Ymir as she lounged on a very plush over-sized chair. Bertolt had turned his head at the sound of your voice, but quickly turned away again. 

“Hey I was just grabbing things.” She defended. Her shit eating grin stated otherwise. You rolled your eyes and looked over to the hearth. Placed on an iron rod hanging over the fire was an iron pot. Bertolt was standing at the counter area pumping water into the basin to wash what had been found in the garden. Needless to say you were very surprised that they had found anything that wasn’t rotted. No one has been living here in order to tend the garden, so how was there anything edible? Reiner must have sensed your question as he provided an answer.

“Zeke must have been here for several months before making his way to Wall Rose. That’s really the only explanation we can think of at this time. The real question is why.” He then made his way towards the front door. With it open you could hear the rain heavily splat against the cobblestone paths and a clash of thunder that indicated the storm was still a ways away.

“Probably to get a little bit of down time to himself.” You offered joining Bertolt over by the basin. The area was dark with the exception of the dim light provided by the fire. From what you could see he was cleaning off some potatoes and carrots and an onion rested on the counter. "Reiner, look for some lanterns." 

"Darn I was enjoying not being able to see well." You looked over at him, a slight smile on his face. "As you wish ma'am." You reached for a rag and prepared to throw it at him, but he left through the door. 

“Could you find me a knife please?” Bertolt’s question brought your attention back, his eyes didn’t leave the potato in his hand as he continued to wipe the dirt away.  You started to rummage through the cabinets and a few drawers, the darkness making it difficult to really locate anything. You finally spotted a set of knives strung up along the wall in front of Bertolt. You were close to Ymir’s height, but given the fact that Bertolt was directly in your ‘path of least resistance’, you had to reach over the counter and around him. This, of course, caused the shirt to rise up with your arm, showing off a significant amount of your upper thigh and the portion of your left ass cheek that wasn’t covered by the hem of your underwear.  You stuck your left leg out for balance and just as your fingers brushed the handle of the knife, Bertolt dropped a potato into the basin. A resounding thud filled your ears as it bounced in the sink. You could hear Ymir snicker behind you from her position on the chair. Bertolt picked up the dropped food and took the knife from your offering hand. He was completely avoiding your gaze as you studied his face. You were pretty sure he had seen everything and you mentally chuckled to yourself as well. 

“Um…thanks.” He said lifting the knife to show his gratitude. He began to slowly cut away the potato skin, letting the remnants fall onto the counter and you moved back around to his right side.  

“I take it that there is water already in the pot?” You asked leaning your right hip against the basin to face Bertolt. 

“Yeah.” He still refused to glance at you. 

Silence. You continued to stare at Bertolt. Over the last 5 years, you had noticed that when you did stare he would fidget until he became annoyed. It only prompted you to tease him in this way whenever the two of you were alone. 

“Stop staring.” He voiced in a hushed tone. You gave him a half smile.

“I’m not staring.” You saw him roll his eyes before they finally landed on you.

“Make yourself useful and find something to put in the soup to add flavor.” He returned your half smile and then resumed his work peeling the items he brought in from the garden.

“There you go, delegation is good for you.” You patted his arm and turned to start your search for various herbs. The earlier tension was quickly ebbing away. You were reminded of how comfortable you were with two of your best friends. And you were finally able to banter more openly than you had over the past 3 years as you no longer needed to keep up a farce that you didn't know each other prior to joining the Cadets.

There were several jars in one of the cabinets and most didn’t have clear labels. You decided to pull all the jars down so that you could better determine what was in each and could be used. The last 2 jars were a ways back on the shelf, again causing the shirt to ride up as you reached. However, this time much more of your lower half was revealed. You felt the cool air on your lower abdomen and your own face heat up, praying that neither Bertolt nor Ymir were looking in your direction at that moment.

You nearly dropped one of the jars when you heard a wolf-whistle from the front door. Reiner had returned and had a stupid smile on his face as he walked over to you.

“I’ll admit [First], you’ve certainly filled out much more than you had been at 14. Right Bertl?” Bertolt shifted to look at his friend, giving him a silent warning. Reiner returned it with another smile and changed the subject by setting a burlap sack onto the far end of the counter.

“Barely.” He explained. “There’s a storage shed just in the back with all sorts of grains. Zeke really brought quite the stash of rations with him.”

“How long do you think he was planning to be here?” You asked turning back around to reach for the final jar. While your back was turned both males took full advantage of the view of your backside. Reiner much more blatantly than his taller companion.

“Who knows?” Reiner answered looking back up to meet your eyes as you lowered yourself from your tip-toes. “Judging by the amount, probably a while.” You began to open the jars and sniff the contents.

“Something must have happened to cause him to abandon this place and head toward the Walls.” You mused.  Reiner just shrugged, it was clear he was too tired to really put much thought into anything. After all he did spend nearly two days running in his Titan form traveling back to Wall Maria. He made his way over to the hearth and sat on the floor in front of the couch that Ymir was still sprawled out across. Eventually you had picked out 3 jars that you would be able to use to add in to the soup. After locating a large tin cup, you scooped some of the barley out of the sack taking it and the herbs to the pot over the fire. Bertolt soon joined you and dropped the peeled potatoes, carrots, and cut up onion into the boiling water.

After about another 45 minutes the soup, well more of a meatless stew as the barley expanded, was ready. The four of you ate in silence, the only light provided by the fire. Bertolt had been right, now that you were warm and dry your mood improved significantly. Your eyes started to droop after finishing your meal as you fought off fatigue. You felt an arm around your shoulder and pull you closer. Looking up you saw it was Bertolt, giving you permission to rest your head on his shoulder. You gladly accepted the gesture and gave him a smile before placing your head against him. The warmth of the fire and from your friend, along with his light tracing of his fingertips along your bicep slowly lulled you to sleep. That would be your only night of decent sleep for several weeks.        


	4. Bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I keep trying to make their death’s mean something to ease this guilt. I shouldn’t have this guilt to begin with. But Bertolt, these people they’re…But I just…can’t. None of them deserved this. What I instructed. I just wanted…I wanted to make my own choices. Determine my own fate. A normal life. Instead I’m filled with nothing....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have broke my own heart towards the end of this chapter. 
> 
> This chapter does go back and forth between Reader 2nd person POV, Generic 3rd person POV, and Bertolt's 1st person POV. SO I apologize for that. Please let me know if it is hard to read/follow. Reminder that this is canon divergence. Some aspects of the plot are the same and some altered based on my own headcanons and the plot of this story. 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters from Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin.

A couple days passed since your first night in Shiganshina. Reiner and Ymir had done a lot of exploring of the city, looking for anything that could be useful in a fight against the Survey Corps. They hadn’t been able to find too much as of yet, but kept looking. You on the other hand had shut down. You were losing a significant amount of sleep as your nightmares returned.  You had also stopped eating for the most part. You prepared food for the rest of your current companions, but never really ate your share apart from a few bites. Bertolt was becoming increasingly worried about your mental state. He tried on several occasions to get you to talk, to confide in him what was happening with you as you had done so often over the years, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to say anything.  You felt lost. You felt empty. The significant drop in temperature didn’t help either. You knew it was going to become more difficult for you to find warmth at night. This of course only made some of the nightmares worse as you lingered in between restful sleep and being awake due to the cold.  

Bertolt had taken up the couch/floor in the living room due to his variety of sleeping positions, thus making sleeping in a bed pretty much ineffective. He usually was a sound sleeper. Nothing could really wake him up until he was ready. He wasn’t sure exactly what had caused him to wake up one night, but he was glad he did. He crept upstairs and was able to hear slight whimpers and ragged breathing coming from the other side of your door. He let himself in and was shocked to see that not only were you making those sounds, but your body was practically thrashing around. It appeared as if you were trying to get away from something…or someone. Quickly walking over to the bed, he knelt near the side and tried to sooth you. Of course, he was nervous as all hell, even with you in this dream like state. His hand trembled slightly as he brushed your hair out of your face, taking note how it was sticking to the sweat on your forehead.

“Shh.” He whispered. “You’re okay [First]”. It took a while, but eventually your movements slowed and soon stopped altogether. Your breathing evened out and it was clear your nightmare had passed.

“You going to stay with her then?” Reiner’s whisper from the doorway caused Bertolt to jolt and hit his elbow on a small table next to the bed.

“Reiner what the hell?”

“I’m serious Bertolt.” He crossed his arms over his chest and took another step into the room. “I bet that took about 15 minutes or so, yeah? It’s been taking me about an hour to calm her the past two nights. Not to mention, she now has your arm in a death grip.” He tilted his chin towards your form on the bed, and sure enough, you held onto Bertolt’s arm like a life line.

“Y-you have been sleeping with her?”

“No.” Reiner stated simply yet firmly. “Next to her. I can only take hearing my friend cry for so long before I also start to lose sleep.”

“Please…” Your voice was so soft both men nearly missed it. Bertolt watched your face for a few seconds as he contemplated on what to do.

“Just lay down with her Bertl. She’s shivering. Another nightmare will start unless she gets warm. You saw just as I did that was how Marco calmed her on the nights she snuck into our barracks because of them.” Bertolt let out a sigh before glancing back at you from his crouched position next to the bed. He carefully removed the arm that you currently clung to and replaced it with his other before he climbed over and laid down on top of the covers. Almost immediately your body stopped shaking. Bertolt himself was able to let out a breath that he didn’t know he had been holding. He heard the gentle click of the latch on the bedroom door as it shut. Even though Bertolt remained with you throughout that night, it didn’t completely stop another two nightmares from taking over your dreams. He had been hyper aware of your every movement and therefore didn’t get much rest himself. In his mind he felt inadequate at being able to keep the nightmares away. How had Marco been able to do it? ‘ _Simple really_.’ He thought to himself. ‘ _She loved him._ ’   

 

*****

Reiner and Bertolt returned to the home after catching a few fish from the river that was just north of Wall Maria. You sat silently on the couch, staring at the fire in the hearth. You didn’t even look up to greet either of them upon entering the home. Bertolt kicked off the snow from his boots before removing them and greeted you.

“[First]?” Again you didn’t make any indication that you had heard him. Bertolt made his way over to you and crouched in front, trying to encourage you to look at him. Honestly the empty look in your eyes scared the hell out of him. Reiner watched from the kitchen as he set the fish on the counter and gathered what he needed to gut and cut them for dinner. Your [e/c] irises finally met Bertolt’s and seemed to refocus on your present surroundings.

“Oh, hi Bertl.” You gave him a moderate smile, but it didn’t really reach your eyes. You reached for his hand and held it in yours. You fingers were nearly frozen. He quickly sat next to you and pulled your hands into his, trying to cover them as best he could.

“You’re freezing!” You made no effort to pull away from his touch. After a minute your digits started to feel warm again and tentatively Bertolt moved your face towards his own. Your cheeks were just as cold and he quickly enveloped you in his arms. He was desperate to get you warm again, even though a fire was burning brightly and should have provided sufficient heat.

“What’s wrong?” Reiner stepped over, worry etched in his features as well.

“I-I don’t know.” Bertolt looked up to him as he continued to rub up and down your arms hoping that the movement will warm you up again. “She’s practically ice cold.” Reiner then quickly disappeared upstairs. No doubt to grab a quilt or other blanket.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered looking up at him. You returned Bertolt’s embrace and pressed your face into the crook of his neck. The feel of you against him sent a shiver down his back, and it wasn’t just due to the coldness of your skin. Reiner returned with a blanket and the two of them were able to get it wrapped around you. Bertolt’s arms returned to wrap around your shoulders and continued their attempts to generate more warmth.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” He whispered into your hair.

“Yes there is. I’ve caused you to worry. I haven’t really moved in hours…”

“You’re fine.” You rested your head on his shoulder again and you both fell into a comfortable silence.

“I’m going to clean the fish in the storage area. There’s seems to be a space for that in there and its better than getting these counters covered in fish guts.” He made his way to the door, only stopping to glance at you once again before exiting. A few more minutes of silence passed before you spoke up, finally coming back to the immediate present. The warmth generated by the closeness of the man next to you brought you back. He brought you back. You didn't want to let that go. You didn't want to be stuck in a haze. You realized that you needed the comfort that Bertolt could provide you. 

“Could…could you sleep next to me again tonight?” Your voice was soft and timid. Your eyes deliberately avoiding Bertolt’s. “I know that you’ve been trying to comfort me the past three nights Bertolt. And I know that Reiner had done so as well before that.” There was a lengthy pause before he responded.

“If that’s what you wish then yes. I’ll stay with you.” That night you hadn’t retreated to your self-designated room alone. You motioned for him to follow and without any hesitation he complied, heart hammering against his ribs. Once in the room the atmosphere suddenly became much more stifling to him as he watched you undress for bed. The two lanterns provided a soft light that gave your skin a supple glow. He slowly followed suit removing his sweater and white button up shirt, but kept a third shirt and his pants on before joining you under the covers.

“Bertl?”

“Hmm?”

“Your pants are soaked from the slush. You’re getting the bed wet.” He stuck out his feet out from the sheets and sure enough, the fabric was darkened all the way up to the middle of his calf.

“O-oh. Sorry…um…” He moved to get back out of the bed, clearly unsure of where to go or what to do next. Your hand grabbed his halting his actions.

“Hey, calm down there Bertl.” You gave him a genuine smile and squeezed his hand. “We’ve been friends for how long now? Nearly nine years or so right? In that time we have seen each other naked. There’s no real mystery or need to be anxious. So just take off your pants and get back in the bed. It’s no big deal.” You let go of his hand and rolled back over onto your other side, the sheets contouring to your curves. It was easy for you to say it was no big deal. However, it was for Bertolt. He could feel his own body completely betraying him as blood rushed to his groin. He had a difficult time in keeping his eyes off you, assessing his current situation, as he finished removing his pants and climbed back under the sheets. ‘ _Just keep your distance_ ’. He told myself. ‘ _Everything is fine. Perfectly fine._ ’ That night you both laid more comfortably and slept soundly.

 

The next week followed the same nightly routine. Naturally this evolved into other instances of physical comfort and...affection. There were days that you actively sought him out when you needed reassurance, needed to know that he was still just there with you. Primarily you would be seen sitting close to each other, you leaning on him in some fashion or his hand holding onto some part of you. Slowly your mood began to improve again. You ate more during meals and became more mentally present. After another week you were able to help more with general up keep as winter fully settled in. Neither you nor Bertolt noticed the close proximity you maintained until Ymir pointed it out to him one evening.

“You’re not going to follow her into the bath? I mean you two are practically joined at the hip now.” She smirked.

“Can it Ymir.” Reiner warned from his spot near the hearth, using it’s light to read one of the books he found on a shelf. She shot him a look, but his warning didn’t deter her from continuing the conversation.

“Seriously though. Her actions I get. I don’t get yours Bertolt. Don’t you have feelings for Annie?”

“What? No! No, Reiner completely had the wrong impression.” He tried to defend himself and looked to Reiner for back up, but the other man just continued to read.

“Then you have feelings for [First]?”

“No. Definitely no.” His reaction was too quick and he hoped that Ymir didn’t pick up on it. “We’re just close friends. She’s finally able to properly mourn Marco now that we’ve got some down time. I-I want to make sure that she’ll be okay while she is grieving.” Ymir hummed in response to his hasty explanation.

“Just be careful.”  She advised before retreating to her own room.

**(Bertolt POV)**

Your positive mood and steady improvement was short lived. Two days after Ymir's observation and you started to keep your distance from me. You asked me to move back to the couch claiming that you were feeling better and didn’t need the physical comfort anymore in order to sleep. The way that you phrased it and the tone of your voice is what stung the most. It was clear that you attempted to not offend me, but you had none the less. However, you underestimated how well I know you. Something wasn’t right and I believed that it was related to me. I just couldn’t think of what happened to spark this change to go back to our old interactions. I was afraid to admit it, but I had grown accustom to the increased physical contact. It was helping me too. I had never even realized how much physical touch could heal. So for once I wanted to stand up for something that I knew was mutually beneficial for us.

However, before I had the chance to talk to you, Reiner asked me to join him in scouting the area north of the wall. We were gone for two days and upon our return you had regressed into an irritable zombie like state. I couldn't wait and needed to know what caused your spiral and was relieved when you opened the door to let me into the bedroom.

            “[First], I know that something is wrong and I want to help.” I made a feeble attempt to hug you, but you brushed me away.

“Like you actually care.” You turned your back towards me. My own irritation started to grow. Something was clearly bothering you, but you held back. I took another step forward to follow you further the bedroom, shutting the door behind me.

“If I didn’t-”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Your arms wrapped around your chest as you spoke towards the window. I was sure your eyes has glazed over as the steady snow fall continued outside.

“I mean…I don’t need your pity. You know how much I hate that.” You spat. Still you wouldn’t face me.

“What?” I couldn’t help the defensive tone in my voice, insulted by the fact that you assumed my actions were out of pity. “[First] what the hell makes you think that I pity you?” You shrugged as you finally turned to face me.

“The lingering worried glances you keep giving me. Or treating me as if I will break. Plus…we have never been this physically... affectionate towards each other over the past 9 years.” There was a slight tinge of a blush to your [s/t] cheeks. It took me by surprise but didn’t curb my irritation for the other reasons you listed.

“Am I not allowed to comfort you and make sure that you are alright? Am I not allowed to show you that I care? If that’s the case just tell me and I’ll leave you alone.” 

“No! I don’t…I-It’s just confusing, especially given…”

“Given what exactly?” You paused, obviously surprised by my challenge.

“Nothing. It’s not important. Um, to answer your question, yes…i-it would be better if you didn’t comfort me in that way. Just talking like we’ve always done is enough. That’s all that I need from you.” You crossed your arms hugging yourself again. This gesture made you appear so vulnerable, but still my irritation remained.

“I don’t understand. Did I do something that made you uncomfortable? If so, I am sorry. But please [First], my actions have never been because I supposedly pity you.”  You scoffed and let out a slight dry chuckle. I had never really seen this back and forth behavior from you.

“Seriously, what is going on?” My irritation continued to rise as you delayed providing me an explanation. I made my way over to you and held onto your forearms. I could feel my brows furrow as I tried to get you to meet my eyes.

“Please talk to me.” I begged.

“Why? It just doesn’t make any sense to me why you’ve suddenly allowed for so much affection between us when you care for someone else.”

“What?” I could feel the confusion all over my face and dropped my arms. “W-what are you talking about?” You sighed at my question. 

“After Zeke gets here we’ll think of a plan to get Annie back. I know that you miss her.” Your statement was weak and there was the tone that I learned to recognize when you were experiencing guilt.

“Annie? What does she have to do with-”

“You really did stare too much…and you're kind of a terrible liar when you get flustered. You know, like when you were talking to Ymir the other night.” You chuckled dryly again. “It's okay. You like Annie and miss her and are unable to help her right now. And here I am, barely functioning with Marco gone. So you’ve allowed yourself to go against what you want in order to comfort me because you see how pitiful I am.” Your voice had risen slightly in volume and took a deep breath to reign it back in before you continued. “That’s the only thing that makes any sense for the affection.”

“Fuck [First], for the last time I do NOT pity you. A-and you don’t have to worry about Annie.” I took several steps back, needing my own space as my irritation turned to anger. My heart raced as I wanted to tell you the truth of how I felt, but now wasn’t the ideal time. You wouldn’t listen. You…that’s when it hit me.

“Wait.” I held my hand up. “No. No, don’t do that. Don’t deflect and skirt around shit. Annie is not what is actually bothering you. Annie is not my motivation to help you through your nightmares and anxiety. She is not the reason for anything right now, so don’t blame her. But since you don’t want physical affection to comfort you, then talk to me! Please!”

“I can’t!” You cried.

“Why? Why can’t you talk to me? We’ve always been able to talk before. What are you suddenly afraid of?”

“Me burdening you with my nightmares and guilty conscience okay!” Your [e/c] eyes met mine with a pointed stare. “Every night my mind replays all the deaths that I’ve seen since we came here. All the deaths that resulted because of me, and when I’m awake there is this overwhelming weight of guilt that just…just causes me to shut down.” Your head fell down towards your chest and you relaxed your arms at your sides. Exhaustion was all over your features and posture. I wanted nothing more than to envelop you into my arms at that moment. To gently kiss away your sorrow and stress and show you that it is not pity that spurs my actions to comfort you with physical affection.     

“I keep trying to make their death’s mean something to ease this guilt. I shouldn’t have this guilt to begin with. But Bertolt, these people they’re…” You began to tremble where you stood in the small room. “I just…can’t. None of them deserved this. What I instructed. I-I just wanted…I wanted to make my own choices. Determine my own fate. A normal life. Instead I’m filled with nothing and-”

“A normal life?” Reiner had entered the small bedroom after hearing us argue. Neither of us had even heard him open the door. “What is normal about any of this? Is it normal to be away from your home for 5 years? Is it normal to be surrounded by demons?” He looked between you and me. 

“Bertl, you said yourself that it was time for us to go home. That’s where our true lives are and why we need to get back as soon as we can. She clearly-”

“I can’t go back!” You implored. Desperation blossomed in your eyes, searching both of our faces.  “My life… i-it’s not there it’s-.”

“Do you really have the right to say that? All of our families are there waiting for us. Bertolt and I only have six years left before... and YOU get to live!”

“Live?!” You screeched. “No, I may be alive longer, but it will be nothing close to living. My ‘ _life_ ’ has been and will be nothing but watching those I love die. I watched Marcel die because I asked for the two of you to walk with me. I don’t even know what happened to Marco, but yet again I couldn’t protect him. He’s dead because of me. I failed Annie in the forest-yes she brought me along don’t act surprised- and there is a high probability that she’ll die too if she hasn’t been killed already.” My eyes grew wide. I had wondered how Annie had managed to kill off Levi’s squad. She didn’t really have the time to make it to their location from her Titan form without being seen or caught by either the mindless Titans or stragglers of the Survey Corps that still surrounded her. It turns out she hadn’t been the one to kill most of them. You did. 

“If I return to Liberio I will have to watch my last two remaining friends die as a result of…shit that we have no control over. And honestly it doesn’t make any sense to me anymore!” Your desperate expression added to your indirect plea as you explained everything to us. “Then after that I will have to watch the children…MY CHILDREN-that I’m being forced to have- die the same way. I can’t do anything to protect them! I wasn’t good enough to protect anyone before we came to this fucking island and I still won't be good enough to protect anyone after we leave. It hurts so much to know that. I’m just so tired of watching everyone die when I’ll be left behind a-a-and and… stuck here...” Your exclamation gradually died down as you attempted to hold back your sobs. You reached up with one hand to cover your face, the other across your body as if you were trying to literally hold yourself together. I knew you felt ashamed to be seen this broken in front of us.

            “I love you both so much and I can’t-I can’t…I just…” Within a second Reiner made his way across the room and wrapped his arms around you. I saw the tears finally spill from your eyes and a loud sob ripped from your throat. One of his larger hands smoothed down your hair and the other gripped around your waist holding you close. Your arms pinned in place against his chest.

“Shit.” He whispered. “I’m sorry [First]. I f-forgot…and I didn't…shit…” I continued to watch you as my own heated emotions evaporated.

“You forgot that she’ll be used for breeding purposes?” Ymir was now standing in the doorway, arms crossed and leaning against the frame. I could feel my grimace at the word ‘breeding’. You weren’t livestock.

“Not now Ymir.” Reiner released you and guided you towards me. You continued to cry as my arms replaced Reiner’s, rubbing your back in an attempt to continue to calm and sooth you. You allowed it and reciprocated the embrace as your own arms wrapped around my chest. To me this showed that you did need, and possibly still wanted, the physical affection that had grown between us.  It also became much clearer you hadn’t slept at all in the couple of days Reiner and I were away.

“I think now is the perfect time.” Ymir stated. “Bertolt, you had asked me a while back if I had any memories of your friend. I lied. I do have a few. One of which is the bullshit that she will have to be subjected to when she returns to your village. While I’m not exactly looking forward to it, I believe my death is almost equivalent to her-or any woman for that matter- losing freedom over her own body like that.” 

“I said not now Ymir.” Reiner pushed her out of the bedroom and shut the door behind him. The room became silent as your crying had stopped, but we could both hear Reiner and Ymir starting their own argument downstairs. Your grip tightened around me and I responded by tightening my own hold around your shoulders.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered. “I don’t want to feel this guilt anymore. And me making you go against your feelings for-” I let out a deep sigh.

“[First] I swear I do not have any romantic feelings for Annie. She’s a comrade and nothing more. So don’t feel guilty about needing  _this_.” I rubbed your back again and brought you even closer to me to emphasize the last word.

“Do you understand?” I smiled down at you. You nodded against my chest, mimicking the same circular pattern on my back in response. 

“Come on, you need some rest [First].” I smoothed your [h/c] hair down a bit and gave a very light kiss to the top of your head. I had no idea if you even felt it, but if you did you remained silent. After a few minutes I loosened my grip, walked you over to the bed, and attempted to set you down. However, you still didn’t want to let go of me, so I sat and pulled you onto my lap.

“Bertolt?” Your voice was muffled against my neck. “I…I don’t think…I can’t sleep by myself anymore.” Your shook your head and [e/c] orbs finally looked up at me. I nodded my head in agreement to your unspoken request, hoping that you were unable to hear how my heart thundered against my ribs.

“I’ll stay with you.” I reassured. You then gave a quick peck to my cheek. Had I blinked I would have missed it. You then stood up and began to get ready for bed, easily falling back into our new nightly routine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have strong feelings for women’s reproductive rights (Pro-Choice) and that is coming out in this story at least a little bit. I understand not every one shares my view so please do not message me telling me I'm wrong or that Ymir's statement is too extreme. It was meant to be extreme.
> 
> Please let me know what you think of the story so far. I will be continuing, but knowing that others are enjoying this helps with the creative flow. :-D


	5. My Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing here was as you had expected. You had believed everything you were told. That your actions of devotion would allow you to become more than the monsters of the past. Here you were making sure to prove wrong those that doubted you. You would show them that you were of more value than they expected. You had to continuously tell yourself this. Everyday you would repeat the reasons why you abandoned your assignment to join your former unit members on this mission. Everyday trying to justify your decision. ‘This is how we can take back our lives. Our humanity. Our power. This is the right thing to do.’ Unfortunately the ghostly screams of pain, anguish, and terror would drown out your own internal voice. You started to see flashes of that day every time you shut your eyes. Guilt slowly seeping into you.
> 
> “You and I are the only ones that can protect her. I can see now that there will be severe consequences for her after she returns to Marley. She doesn’t want to be separated from us either. She’s made that very clear. Hell she barely leaves your side, and we’re likely all that she has left. This plan is the best way we can protect her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Implied sexual assault and Implied rape. 
> 
> The beginning Italicized section is a flashback within a dream. This chapter starts off with comic relief and ends with angst. 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters or places from Attack on Titan.

_The scorching summer air didn’t let up once the sun had gone down several hours ago. You made your way to a frequented grass clearing near a stream, an approximately 30 minute walk from your temporary home within the borders of Jinae. Bits of your [h/c] locks clung to your forehead with the sweat that covered every inch of your skin. The air was so thick with moisture it felt more like swimming than walking with each step you took. The blades of grass provided no real relief from the insomnia as you laid down. If anything the grass just made your skin itch, but your limbs were too heavy to care. Closing your eyes briefly as a warm breeze blew past, you thought about what needed to happen next. It had been six months since the fall of Wall Maria. Six months since you and your friends journeyed to rid the world of those that risk its safety and were tasked to retrieve what you had been lead to believe would be the salvation for your people. What you had been lead to believe…nothing here was as you had expected. You had believed everything you were told. That your actions of devotion would allow you to become more than the monsters of the past. That didn’t work out for you as you hoped, so now, here you were making sure to prove wrong those that doubted you. You would show them that you were of more value than they expected. You had to continuously tell yourself this. Everyday you would repeat the reasons why you abandoned your assignment to join your former unit members on this mission. Everyday trying to justify your decision to give Bertolt and Reiner the order to follow through with the plans. ‘_ This is how we can take back our lives. Our humanity. Our power. This is the right thing to do. _’ Unfortunately the ghostly screams of pain, anguish, and terror would drown out your own internal voice. You started to see flashes of that day every time you shut your eyes. Guilt slowly seeping into you. You opened your eyes again and nearly screamed at seeing the dark figure that stood over you, their face hidden in the shadow that was created by the orange light of the gas lantern they carried._

_“Hey, it’s just me [First]. See?” The tallish brunet held the lantern up higher, illuminating his features and a gentle smile graced his lips._

_“Holy hell Bertolt, you scared the shit out of me!” He pulled back again as you sat up, wiping the sweat and hair out of your eyes. “What are you doing this close to Jinae right now?” Bertolt sat down next to you and unslung the canteen from around his torso._

_“Couldn’t sleep. I figured the walk here and back might tire me out, but honestly I just feel more awake.” He looked around the area, the sound of rushing water from the stream and chirping crickets filling the silence that had settled. “Where’s Marco?”_

_“I assume sleeping…I felt like being alone tonight anyway so I didn’t bother to go to his…‘house’.” You paused glancing at your other comrade. Bertolt’s eyebrows raised as he realized that he was now an intruder and began to gather himself back up._

_“Hold on there Bertl.” You chuckled, reaching for his wrist. “You can stay. In fact…I think that I would like that. It’s been a few months since we’ve spent any real time together anyway.”_

_“Oh…um…yeah.” Bertolt settled himself back on the ground and again the air filled with the sound of the rushing stream. You craned your neck up towards the sky, which finally rewarded you with a break in the clouds to reveal bright tiny specks of light. You always loved looking up at the stars. A smile made its ways across your [shape/color] lips as more stars decided to peak out from their hiding spots behind the thunder clouds. Summer rains were nice…when it actually rained of course. Tonight there was no such relief. You glanced back down and noticed your companion’s neck was also craned upwards. He seemed to be uncomfortable in his current position and you quickly noticed that he had easily grown a few inches since you last saw him. Your smile only grew as you watched him._

_“Come here.” You grabbed his arm and pulled him down to lay next you. Well, it was more perpendicular to you as you maneuvered him to rest his head on your stomach._

_“Wha-[First]?!” His startled cry causing his voice to crack. This only resulted in you laughing. All three of the boy’s voices had been doing this more often over the past couple of weeks._

_“Sorry, sorry. Just relax Bertl. You said you couldn’t sleep right? Let me help then.” You began to run your fingers through his hair in the same way that you remember seeing his mother do after the unit assignment ceremony. Although it did just occur to you that she could have been fixing his hair. It had been standing out every which way before it was cut on the first day of training. Again the memory brought a smile to your face and you suppressed a laugh. However, your movements only lasted so long before Bertolt quickly moved away and wordlessly positioned himself next to you instead._

_“I-I have to walk back remember? Neither of us can exactly fall asleep out here can we?” You notice how his smile was more forced than necessary._

_“R-right. Sorry…” The two of you remained in silence for several more minutes before Bertolt started pointing out various patterns within the stars. The two of you laughed at some of the images you created and you didn’t want the night to end. Nevertheless, as soon as you let out the first yawn you knew that it was time to go._

_“Would you like me to walk you back?” He swung the canteen-now refilled from the stream-back over his head preparing to leave._

_“Nah, I should be okay. There aren’t really any animals that are big enough to take me down.” You smiled. “And the taverns all closed up ages ago. I should be fine. I’m more worried about the old lady that took me in. She’s made it very clear that she doesn’t like me running off at night. Not without y-…Marco at least.” You turned to face the male and again were struck with the realization that he had definitely grown taller._

_“Yeah… without Marco.” It was his turn to chuckle as he nervously shuffled his feet. “Well, be safe then. I’ll see you in a couple of days okay?” You nodded and wrapped your arms around him. You could feel his body tense up and he held his arms out to the sides. It was almost as if he was completely afraid to touch you._

_“You know Bertolt, it is ok to hug me back. We are friends after all. Right?” You tightened your embrace around his middle. It took a few moments before he finally returned the hug, but when he did you let out a sigh of contentment._

Separating yourself from Bertolt caused the dream to disappear and you to wake with a slight jolt. After getting your bearings, you glanced down and noticed the same man now had his face buried in your chest, his strong arms wrapped around your middle, and legs completely intertwined with yours. The image was strikingly different from the memory within your dream. You were happy that he finally appeared to be more comfortable in sharing a bed with you. It had been nearly 2 weeks after your argument, and most mornings you had woken up with him facing away or having only his hand in contact with you. Typically it would be holding yours or resting on your shoulder. Once you had even woken up to it resting on your hip. His lack of contact when unconscious didn’t do much to help convince you that he didn’t have feelings for Annie, or someone else for that matter. But…today he was very cuddly towards you. The more you thought about it you realized that this was the first time he had been this affectionate all on his own without prompt from you. The realization caused your stomach to flip and your cheeks to heat up. _‘Stop that’_. You warned yourself. However, your hands didn’t listen to the warning and instead mimicked their previous actions in your dream, weaving their way through his hair. A goofy smile plastered itself on your face. You were surprised at how soft his brown locks were. Bertolt soon let out a deep breath through his nose. The air puffed over your left breast causing your nipple to perk and a shudder to travel down your spine. _‘Oh hell.’_ You cursed your body. His face shifted slightly and his nose brushed up against the pert bud, stimulating it even more. _‘Seriously!’_  You warned yourself again as you sucked in a quick breath. You tried to squirm away, embarrassed by your body’s reaction at how nice the sensation felt. Halfway through repositioning yourself to avoid further stimulation you noticed something else poking your thigh. You quickly stopped all movement as you knew exactly what it was. _‘Well, at least he’s also having a good dream.’_ You hadn’t managed to move much, but you were successful in reducing his direct contact with your breast so your body went back to its unaroused state.

 _‘I know what he said about Annie, but…’_ You closed your eyes, willing away that entire line of thought. Right now, your focus needs to be on getting home. As much as you were afraid, your friends had been able to calm you and talk some since into you about your return. You had to have faith that they and Zeke would be able to come up with some type of plan to keep you alive. After all, according to them, you had kept them alive so far. You failed to see how, but didn’t argue the point at the time. Despite their reassurances, you didn’t feel anything like the Warrior you had been 3 years ago.

Bertolt’s movements and groggy hums pulled you from your thoughts. His eyes fluttered open and you were greeted by his deep green irises.

“Good morning.” You giggled as he continued to blink a few times and gently move his limbs before stretching.

“Morning.” He mumbled gently. He tightened his hold on you and pulled you closer. Immediately his eyes shot open and he froze. You bit your lip trying not to laugh as you watched his face go from surprise, to horror and embarrassment at the realization that his ‘friend’ was also awake.

“Oh my god!” Bertolt quickly untangled himself and fell out of the bed scrambling away from you. As much as you tried not to, the laughter ultimately burst from your lips.

“D-don’t laugh [First]!” He buried his face in his hands as his cheeks became darker with each passing second. His long legs were slightly bent in towards his chest attempting to obscure his situation from your view. Unfortunately for him (but fortunately for you) it wasn’t very effective and his undergarments didn’t leave much to the imagination.

“I-I’m s-sorry.” You wheezed as you continued to laugh. “I know it-it’s not f-f-hahaha.” Your bent your own knees up and kicked the air in your mirth. Honestly you were equally as embarrassed, hence, the exaggerated display. You finally calmed down enough and rolled over to get a better look at the man still on the floor.

“No. Seriously Bertolt. You’ve nothing to feel embarrasses about. I’m impressed actually…and maybe slightly concerned for the girl that gets to take that thing for its first ride.” You rolled further to the side of the bed and onto your stomach to watch his reaction. 

“[FIRST] OH MY GOD!”

“Relax, you’ll be 18 in less than a month. So it’s still perfectly normal and healthy. I’m just giving you a hard time.” You paused at your unintended pun and then burst out into laughter again.

“Guys what the hell is with all the noise?” Reiner then came into the room. It had become a habit of his to enter completely unannounced. His eyes immediately honed in on your panty covered ass, but then quickly darted away. The look was not missed by Bertolt as he glared at the blond. You looked over your shoulder and smiled, eager to tell him about the current situation. However, before you could get a word out, Bertolt grabbed the pillow you were propping yourself up with. He stood, covering himself with the pillow, and quickly left the room all the while muttering under his breath.

“What’s his deal?” Reiner pointed a thumb over his shoulder gesturing to the man that just left.

“He’s embarrassed by the little-well actually not at all little-effect of a very nice dream he was having this morning.” You grinned like a cat that caught the canary. Reiner blinked and glanced back out into the hallway.

“Damn.” He muttered. “You can be downright evil sometimes you know that?” His own smile betrayed his attempt at a serious tone meant to support his friend.

“Yes, but as I told him…I’m impressed.”         

Later that afternoon Bertolt watched you from his place on the couch. You were cutting up some vegetables to be roasted later that night and humming a little tune your mother had taught you long ago. Silently he made his way over to where you stood, not wanting to ruin the moment. It had been ages since he had seen you this at ease in any setting. The only time before was when the elderly woman that took you in while in Jinae invited him over for dinner. The two of you had prepared and cooked dinner together with her. The woman wanted to have him stay as well, shocked and appalled that he wasn’t provided for in the same manner you were by people in his new village. Bertolt had always been slightly envious of the fact that you and Marco had easily been taken in by families after leaving the more populated city check point within Wall Rose.  The much smaller village that he was in with Reiner and Annie did provide them with basic necessities, but it was all in exchange for manual labor on the farms. But, in the end, both foster families proved to be more useful in your gathering information about the structure of government and ultimately determining the need for your party to join the military.

Bertolt was also put at ease listening to your gentle humming, however, he still wanted to get back at you for teasing him this morning. He was sorting through ideas when it came to him and an uncharacteristically wicked grin spread across his lips. He closed the remaining distance between you and wrapped his arms around your waist, effectively hugging you from behind. You had been so caught up in your own little world that the sudden weight and touch caused your body to jolt. All Bertolt did was chuckle in response.

“That is so not fair.” You pouted before returning to your task. You weren’t sure what brought on the sudden hug, but weren’t about to complain. You were really starting to feel better each and every day you spent with him. It was almost as if you were in your own little world. No one waiting to kill you. No one trying to plan out your life for you. No Marley. No Paradis. Just you and your friends surrounded by warmth and comfort. Bertolt didn’t loosen his grip around your waist and instead rested his head on your shoulder. His breath tickled the back of your neck.

“Hmm. What’s not?” He mused.

“For a guy of your height you are incredibly quiet when you walk.” You craned your neck to try and look at his face. “You are also unbelievably cuddly today by the way.” Bertolt hid his face into your neck, his movements further tickling the exposed skin. You tilted your head towards him in an attempt to stop his movements, but to no avail.

“Don’t.” You warned. However, your tone had nowhere near the level of authority you wanted it to have. The sensation on your neck was starting to get to be too much and you were fighting to suppress your laughter.

“Don’t what exactly [First]?” He breathed onto your neck. This caused a noticeable shudder to travel down your side and goosebumps to rise along your arms. This result was unintended by Bertolt, but a pleasant surprise, so he continued with his revenge. It was also a surprise to you how it wasn’t an uncomfortable sensation, but a pleasurable one.

“You know perfectly well ‘what’ Bertl.” You again made an attempt to look at him, nearly turning your entire body. However, he held you in place.

“Hmm. I don’t think I do. Can you elaborate please?” His hands now started their contribution to the slowly building assault. Again you tried your best to suppress your laughter from the gentle and subtle tickling. You knew exactly what was coming next.

“Damn it Bertolt you know that I’m ticklish.” A giggle escaped at the end of your sentence, finally giving you away.

“Oh, that’s right.” You froze as you felt his smile against the nape of your neck. ‘ _Shit’_. You cursed to yourself. The feeling on the back of your neck almost caused your knees to buckle and you bit your bottom lip. You were positive that he had no clue your neck had become so sensitive, but you would be damned if you gave THAT information away. His hands then started to attack your sides. You attempted to squirm out of his grasp, but he had successfully trapped you against the counter. You didn’t want to hurt him so you made sure to set the knife down and tried to move around to face him. There was no way you were going to allow him to get to your stomach in this fight. Before you could move though the breath from his laughter hit against your neck yet again. This time you couldn’t hold back the quiet whimper. Bertolt’s hands continued to dance across your clothed sides and made an attempt to tickle your stomach. You grabbed his hands at this point and stilled them.

“Mercy!” You laughed. “I give! I give!” Bertolt then slightly released his grip from your stomach, but his hands continued to rest on your hips.

“Alright, I let you be.” He let out another hearty chuckle as he brushed your hair out of his face with his chin and nose. Try as you might there was no stopping the much more audible whimper and the burst of strength in your hand as you held onto his trying to stabilize yourself.

“Oh…” His voice trailed off and realization hit him. Another whimper was heard from you as a result of his breath yet again ghosting over the skin on your neck. You could feel just how aroused you were becoming from his breath alone.

“Yeah, can you stop that now please?” You breathed out. You swore this would be the death of you.

“Uh…yeah…sorry.” Bertolt slowly let go of you and took a few steps back. Both of you had a tinge of pink to your cheeks. However, he couldn’t help but feel pleased with himself. He most certainly got his revenge and stored away the very interesting tidbit he learned about you.

 

Another week passed and each morning had been similar with your and Bertolt’s limbs tangled together when you woke. This morning your back was flush against his chest and one of his arms was wrapped tightly around your middle. The other was tucked under the pillow just above your head. His body radiated heat, no doubt this was an interesting side effect from it housing the power of the Colossal Titan inside. But you weren’t going to complain at all. The snow outside had certainly built up over the past few days and even with Ymir keeping the hearth lit with a decent sized fire during the day, it didn’t keep the cold out of the bedroom you were currently in. You moved one of your own arms over Bertolt’s and interlaced your fingers. His grip tightened and your heart skipped another beat. You knew that you shouldn’t get your hopes up, but everything just felt so _right_ with him.

You snuggled more closely against him, not wanting to get up for the day, and shut your eyes again willing yourself to go back to sleep. Maybe you could spend the whole day in bed today? You smiled at the thought. The door hinges creaked and you heard gentle footsteps approach the bed and walk around to the other side. You didn’t realize just how tightly Bertolt was holding you until your body was jostled along with his as Reiner attempted to wake him.

“Hey Bertl, come on man wake up.” His voice was a low rumble to your ears. Not unpleasant, but definitely unwelcome. You didn’t want your warmth to go away. You turned over to face Bertolt’s chest and wrapped an arm and a leg over him. You felt Bertolt finally stir and a slight chuckle from the other man in the room.

“She’s something isn’t she?” Reiner asked as you felt the head above your turn to the side. You heard Bertolt let out a soft snicker of his own. He didn’t even bother separating himself from you and that significantly warmed your heart.

“Yeah, but it’s ok.” You heard the low rough voice above you speak and arms bring you even closer in.

“Whatever you say man. There’s a shit ton of snow outside and we are low on firewood. The two of you need to get up and help Ymir and me find some or something else to help keep us all warm over the next couple of nights. Not all of us are as lucky as you with having a sleeping companion.” The tone in his voice wasn’t harsh or hurtful. You felt Bertolt nod and respond that the two of you would be down stairs to help in a few minutes. At this point you heard Reiner make his way back around to your side of the bed.

“Alright 10 minutes then. We don’t have too much time before another storm hits. You hear that missy? Time to let your personal heater go and get up. Rise and shine!” Before Bertolt could even realize what was going on Reiner had patted your butt twice, fully jostling you wake.

“No.” You whined like a small child, refusing to open your eyes. “Mine.” Your arm tightened around Bertolt and you buried your face into the crook of his neck.

“Nope. You two can go at it later, but we have shit that needs to get done now.” 

“W-what!?” Bertolt called after him, but Reiner had already left the room with a wide teasing grin on his face.

“Damn it.” You mumbled against his chest. “Can’t we just stay in bed? I’m way too comfortable.”

“No, Reiner’s right. Time to get up [First].” Bertolt pried you away and got out of bed, before getting himself ready for the day. You couldn’t resist the temptation and snuck a glace-or three- as he changed into his clothes. The comfort level you, Reiner, and Bertolt had as children during your Warrior training easily came back over the past month and a half. You and Bertolt easily changed in the same room, but you always noticed that he would advert his eyes as quickly as possible when you started to remove clothes. This was wholly different from Reiner, who had walked in on you fully or partially nude more than once without flinching or embarrassment from either one of you. Every time Ymir caught a glimpse of this “lack of modesty” she would make a miniature fuss. Her reoccurring argument was that it was all too weird. You had to admit that from her perspective this behavior and comfort level was completely unexpected and even out of place from what she had seen during Cadet training. You had been entirely modest every time you had to change in the barracks or bathe always hiding certain parts of your body and you wanted to keep it that way. You knew that it would be too hard to explain away some of the scars on your lower body. You had taken great care to conceal them from all possible prying eyes, as not even your fellow Warriors knew about some of them. However, with each passing day it became more and more difficult to hide those parts of your body from Bertolt and Reiner.

You had been lost in thought as you went through the motions of getting yourself ready as well. So far off in your own little world that you didn’t process the direction you were facing and the order of which you were putting on clothes. Again, that natural level of comfort you held with each of the men out weighed your conscious decision of the need to hide. You had just finished putting on a new pair of underwear when Bertolt cleared his throat and held your wrist to cease your movements.

 

**(Bertolt POV)**

“What is that?” I asked gently.

“Huh?”

“That.” I gestured to a scar I had never seen before. At least not since we arrived on Paradis, meaning you had intentionally kept hidden.

“On your hip…and are those...what are those marks?” I started to actually look over your lower body. The skin spanning across your hips and upper inner thighs were covered in scars of various sizes. The longer I looked from one to the next the more questions I had.  

“They look like claw marks, but also not. Wait, no...h-how can those create scars?”  My blood ran cold. Those scare weren’t made from claws, but from fingernails. You quickly scampered away from me to grab the skirt you had taken for yourself.

“Don’t worry about it Bertolt.” You vaguely gestured to your hip. “It’s nothing.”

“No, that is not ‘nothing’ [First]. That thing on your hip is a damn brand marking!” Saying it out loud caused my heart to pound and I felt my blood begin to boil. How did I never notice before? How did Marco not notice before? It suddenly occurred to me that there was much more to your fear of returning home than what you had been telling us.    

“You don’t think I know that?” Your voice was barely above a whisper. You continued to dress yourself, completely ignoring me as I watched every move you made.  

“You…they…I-I...” That was all that I could manage. My mouth had gone dry as rage was replaced by pity. The expression of which you did not miss.

“Don’t give me that look.” The tone in your voice was hallow, giving me no real clue as to what was going through your mind.

“S-sorry.” After a long pause I was finally able to speak up again. “When did-when did they-the officials-brand you?” You looked up from tying the laces on your boots, but your eyes didn’t meet mine.

“Two weeks after they took me away from you. After I started my separate ‘training’ as a Mother.” Again I had no words. Our Warrior training had been brutal, and the Cadet Corps also had its rough moments, but I couldn’t possibly imagine what you had experienced during the time you spent away from us.

“Hey guys come…on…” Reiner entered the room again and immediately picked up on the quiet and tense atmosphere.

“[First]?” I cautiously stepped towards you. “You need to show him.”

“Why?”

“Show me what?” You and Reiner spoke at the same time.

“Nothing. It’s nothing Reiner.” You made an attempt to brush past him, but he grabbed your arm.

“DON’T touch me.” You quickly yanked your arm out of his grasp and took several steps backwards into the room. I watched as your gaze returned to the ground, silence filling the room for several minutes. There was no trace of the previous relaxed atmosphere from earlier this morning.

When you finally looked back up, you glanced between both Reiner and myself. My heart ached at seeing the conflicted expression on your face. Slowly you lifted up the right side of your blouse and lowered the skirt, revealing the section of skin along your hip bone and lower abdomen. The exposed skin was raised and had a slightly lighter tone to the rest of your flesh. The brand mark consisted of the number 3 and a symbol that I didn’t recognize. I watched as Reiner’s eyes grew wide and jaw drop slightly.

“Who the hell did that to you?”

“Who the hell do you think?” You lowered the fabric concealing the scar again.

“There’s no way…there must be a good reason for-”

“They branded me Reiner! The-oh-so-wonderful Motherland of Marley branded me like cattle!” The shame was clear in your eyes. “If both of you took the time to think for once you would have asked yourselves a very simple question: Why the hell would she be so scared of simply being asked to have children to serve Marley someday? It wasn’t only about losing my choice in the matter or watching those I love die. It was so much more. Everything they were doing to me and-” You abruptly cut yourself off and stared wide eyed. You suddenly made a mad dash for the doorway, but Reiner caught you once again.

“Let go!” You shout was laced with venom in your tone.  

“Reiner. Let her go.” I tried to make my own voice as non-threatening as possible. I didn’t want you to become even more upset than you clearly already were. Reiner complied, releasing you from his grasp. But instead of running off you remained rooted to the spot.

“[First]? If Marley…where did the scars on your inner thighs come from?” I was surprised when Reiner asked the question I myself was too scared to ask, but was distracted by how he knew about those scars. When Reiner had walked into the room your thighs had been covered. However, the distress and shame in your eyes before you adverted your gazed was telling enough.  

“I don’t want to talk about this. Please.” You begged and with that you finally left the room. I remained stationary as did Reiner. Neither of us really knew what to do or say. Eventually we slowly made our way downstairs.

Upon reaching the bottom landing of the stairs Ymir looked up at us. Her own eye brows creased with confusion.

“What the hell happened?” She finished throwing on a heavy coat and strode over to the door. “She looked really upset.”

“It’s none of your business Ymir. Nothing that happens between the three of us is your business.” Reiner spat at her. The tension between the two of them was mounting each day and increasingly made me nervous. Ymir could change her mind at any point in time and return to the Scouts. Giving them every scrap of information that she had been given while waiting out the winter with us. Ymir just scoffed and made her way out the door, mumbling incoherently. After a few minutes Reiner turned to collect another coat and tossed one to me as well.

“Let’s go. We don’t have a lot of time.”

 

After a couple of hours we made our way back to our temporary home through the empty streets. The silence was eerie as snow started to gently fall. It would be a matter of minutes before the rest of the storm caught up. Reiner and I had been able to find a decent amount of wood to burn, along with more blankets from 2 other largely intact homes on the western side of the district. The last hour we had spent collecting was completed in silence, only adding to my uneasiness from the earlier conversation. It didn’t help that I had no clue where you had now run off to.

“You know, I’ve been thinking.” Reiner finally broke the silence. “You and I are the only ones that can protect her. Well honestly you more so than me. I can see now that there will be severe consequences for her after she returns to Marley.” I remained silent, allowing Reiner to continue.

“I think it might be best for us to beat them to it so to speak, you know?” I turned to look at him with shock and disgust.

“Are you fucking serious?!” I stopped in my tracks. In that moment I was grateful my arms were full as I highly considered punching Reiner’s face in. “You can’t be suggesting that we kill her!”

“No! Oh hell no, I’m in no way suggesting that.” Reiner stopped a few steps ahead of me. “I’m suggesting that one of us take Marco’s place. It is more likely that she won’t be killed if Marley thinks she fulfilled her duty.”

“What?”

“Hear me out Bertolt. If she returns home…pregnant, she likely won’t be killed. And if it’s with one of us, we can continue to protect her.”

“How is that protecting her Reiner!? She was ra- ”

“I know! I’m aware of what was happening. Of what had been done to her. I get it! But this plan might be the only way to actually keeping her alive.”

“I fail to see how this is the only way. Let’s wait for Zeke to get here. I’m-I’m sure he’ll have some ideas that don’t involve _us_ taking away her right to choose. She trusts us to help her. What if she doesn’t want to have children at all? That’s the impression I get. She doesn’t want to go home because she terrified. Not only terrified of the future for her children, but terrified of the way in which she will be forced to have them.”

“I know that, but she doesn’t want to be separated from us either. She’s made that very clear. Hell she barely leaves your side, and we’re likely all that she has left. I wouldn’t be surprised if her parents were killed because it was assumed she ran off. Marking them and herself as traitors. This plan is the best way we can protect her. And again, you are a better fit for her than I am Bertolt. So talk to her, see what she has to say.” I continued to look at him. I couldn’t fully process what he was suggesting. I didn’t want to process what he was suggesting. I knew that there was no way you would ever agree to this plan. I was certain that, if given the option, you would much rather stay on this island in a completely secluded area to live your life how you wanted. Maybe that is where you ran off to. To find a place where you could be free. I also didn’t agree that I would be a better choice. Reiner had shown over the past three years that he would be perfectly capable in protecting you the way that you deserved. He was the only one of us to come up with a plan after all. I didn’t have anything except false hope that you held affection towards me.

“No.” I started moving forward, the loss of feeling in my toes and desire to get away from the entire conversation spurring me ahead.

“If you don’t talk to her about this then I will. And I will offer to be her partner.” The threat in his voice was evident to my ears, but I still kept moving forward.

“Bertl. Trust me. You’re the better choice for this. Show her that she can rely on you. You already have her trust.”  He called after me, but I didn’t acknowledge him and kept to my path. I didn’t want to get my hopes up that you would ever be willing. It also wasn’t fair to you at all. You deserved so much better. So much more than I would ever be able to give you. It was true that you were sleeping more soundly since we started to share a bed, but I was certain it would be no different if Reiner was in my place. The house became visible after I rounded a final corner. Without pausing my stride I opened the door, hastily dropped the pile of wood that had been collected and made my way to our bedroom. 


	6. All I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Here’s to my best friend and confidant. To my…safe place and comfort. I hope that you also receive the comfort and love you deserve in the next year and the many more to come.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to break my chapter pattern of fluff then angst, but...the chapter became too long and I had to split it up. So the pattern continues for another chapter. Italics typically indicate flashbacks or inner monologue. 
> 
> I do not own Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Koyjin. All characters (expect for Reader) belong to Isayama.

Your mind swirled. You stood in an alleyway behind a wooden fence blocking you from view. But you could hear every word in their conversation. Your emotions began to bubble and rise into your throat. ‘ _What the fuck-_ ’But your own thoughts were cut off as Bertolt spoke up. Spoke up on your behalf. His defying Reiner’s suggestion showed a different side of him. However, thanks to the pause he created, Reiner’s words soon reminded you of the last time you saw Marco alive in Trost.

_“[First!]” Relief filled Marco’s voice as he saw your form dash around the corner of a building. While you had on your ODM gear, you preferred to run along the ground. You had once mentioned that the only time you had ever really felt secure in a high place was on the shoulder of either Reiner’s or Annie’s Titan form. You stopped dead in your tracks at hearing his voice. He rushed up to you, his arms quickly wrapping around your shoulders._

_“Thank the gods.” He sighed into your [h/c] hair. “Where have you been?” Your own arms quickly followed his as you pulled his own form closer to you. You tried your best to hold in your angry tears. You couldn’t believe that Bertolt had gone through with Annie’s plan. His words from the night before ringing clear in your mind._

_“_ Why don’t you and Marco just leave? We don’t need you for this mission anyway. You can go live your life and make babies with him without the officials breathing down your neck.” _You own words hadn’t been any better as you fought against your emotions._

 _“_ Fine. Maybe we will. It’s not like what happens to me makes any difference to you. Just continue to follow the will of others like always Bertolt _!”_

_“I’m sorry. I just can’t…” Marco pulled your face to his and kissed you. After parting he smoothed down your hair._

_“I don’t know what to do. I want to prove everyone wrong and finish what we started, but I’m also too scared to go back. They’re just going to hurt me Marco.”_

_“I know. I understand.” He kissed your forehead. “When this is over, we’ll...we can run if you want. Or…we can finish the mission and we’ll think of a way for you to fulfill your duty without punishment from the officials when you return.” You hid your grimace, but found yourself nodding wordlessly._

_“I’m not going to let them hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you again. A-and children or no children, it will be completely your choice. I promise [First].” His grip tightened around your waist. “You don’t have to fight or decide right now. Just stay here. Hide. I’ll come back for you.”_

            The memory completely halted your racing thoughts and stomped out your need to protest Reiner’s plan. He was right. Having one of them replace Marco was the best plan for you staying alive. Additionally, you wouldn’t be physically forced to carry a child you didn’t want. You could have some semblance of a choice this way, meager as it was. The more you thought about it, maybe your recent actions were due to you already trying to replace Marco subconsciously. It certainly would further explain the recent influx in your feelings towards the taller of your male comrades, shutting down the idea it being a resurgence of the crush you had for him as a younger child. Yes, that is how you had become so comfortable with Bertolt again. He was sadly just a means to an end.

            You slowly rounded the corner of the narrow alley way that let out to the cobblestone path in front of your temporary home. Neither Bertolt nor Reiner saw you following as they entered. You stood outside the door, hand on the stone railing, as the snow continued to fall at a faster rate. Your mind still swirling on what to do or even say to either of them.  The wind picked up and blew some of your [h/c] strands into your eyes. Should you bring it up your agreement with Bertolt or Reiner first? You leaned towards Reiner in the hopes that he could further assist in getting Bertolt to agree. Maybe if he just knew…then again, should you even bring it up at all? Wouldn’t it be better to see if Bertolt will understand that this really is the best plan on his own? That way you then don’t take his ability to decide for himself. Especially since there was no way he would see you in that light. It would just increase your guilt to know that you had forced him to just follow along. You skirted around the reason you had a preference for one man over the other. Logically there should have been no difference, yet your mind had created one in Bertolt’s favor. A hand on your shoulder startled and pulled you from your spinning thoughts.

“Why on earth are you just standing there? It’s fucking freezing.” Ymir lowered her arm waiting for your answer. However, you didn’t have one so you just shrugged. Ymir rolled her eyes and placed a hand on one of her hips.

“Why don’t you just tell him already?”

“Tell who what?” She then cocked an eye brow at you.

“Oh for fucks sake…” Ymir kicked aside some of the accumulating snow from one of the front steps and sat down. She patted the space next to her and you complied, taking the space.

“Look, there’s no need to play dumb with me. I’m more observant than you’d think. You need to just tell him how you feel, because frankly I kind of want to puke with how lovey-dovey you two get.”

“We are not lovey-dovey.” You scoffed. Ymir smiled at your acknowledgement.

“See you do know. BUT-” Ymir continued before you had further opportunity to refute. “If you need some encouragement I have just the thing.” She pulled out two large brown bottles from inside her coat. A huge smile spread across her face as she twisted a cork out of one. After lifting it to your nose her smile widened. The scent of the liquid in the bottle was sharp with a hint of sweetness. Liquor. Your nose crinkled and you pushed the bottle away.

“I don’t need encouragement Ymir.” She shrugged her own shoulders as she re-corked the bottle and began to stand up. After a few minutes she spoke up again.

“On a serious note though [First]. You should let him know. He loves you, you know that right?” You kept your gaze straight ahead. You weren’t going to believe her words. You couldn’t believe her words. So you dodged the question altogether.

“Maybe we all do need to let loose a little bit. It is quite tense just sitting here waiting like this, don’t you think Ymir? And Bertl’s birthday is in two days, so let’s drink then. Oh! Plus it will go perfectly with what I found at the main military headquarters here!” You offered her a smile that she eventually returned.

“Awesome… let’s just get inside now before we get hypothermia.”

 

Once inside you made your way up the stairs to your bedroom after seeing that Bertolt was not in the main room with Reiner. You knew he was still upset from their conversation and wanted to check on him. When you entered the room you found him lying under the covers with only tuffs of his brown hair visible. His coat, sweater, and pants tossed onto the floor; he would be in bed sulking for a while. A small smile graced your lips as you sat on your side of the bed. You highly debated on joining him, the desire to spend the rest of the day in bed was still prevalent. Bertolt then turned over and encircled your waist causing you to fall back onto the mattress.

“Ah!” You giggled with surprise. You continued to laugh as he settled himself comfortably with his head on your chest.

“What’s gotten into you?” You chuckled again and began to run your fingers through his hair. His response consisted of turning away from your eyes and squeezing you closer.

“Nothing. Let’s just stay here today.” He finally tilted his head up to look at you.  You hoped he didn’t notice the redness in your cheeks, and if he did, hopefully he just assumed it was from the cold wind outside.

“Are you ok?” You asked. The conflicted look in his emerald eyes caused concern to cover your own features.

“Yeah. I just…don’t feel well, and it’s warmer with you here.” You knew he wasn’t being fully honest, yet it was clear he wasn’t going to disclose why he was upset. You didn’t want to push him. Not if he was gathering whatever he needed to show the same level of initiative he did outside with Reiner minutes ago.  You continued to run your fingers through his hair and watched him visibly relax.

“I can’t argue with that.” You returned his smile before he closed his eyes.

*****

            **(Bertolt’s POV)**

_“Bertolt, can we talk?” Marco approached me as I filled my gas tanks in the corner of the military headquarters within Trost. Armin’s plan went perfectly. Well, apart from Connie and Sasha’s slip of not taking down their assigned Titans._

_“Bertolt?” He called again. I had heard him the first time, but didn’t want to talk. I was still mad at you from the night before and was taking it out on him. However, when Reiner nudged my arm I didn’t have much of a choice but to acknowledge his presence._

_“Can we talk? Please?” I set down the tank that I just filled and followed him into a smaller room just off to the left side of the large storage space we were all currently housed. The apprehensive expression on his face should have made me wary, but I was too fueled by my own irritation to really notice._

_“W-what is it Marco?” I made an effort to keep my tone light in the event that any of our fellow soldiers overheard. We had already come too far to risk exposure now. However, I shouldn’t have cared about that as I still followed Annie’s plan to break the outer wall of Trost, but caution had also become a habit over the past 3 years. We always had to watch our words when our core group of Warriors weren’t the only ones around._

_“It’s about [First].” He was straight to the point. “I know where she is.” I desperately tried to keep my face neutral, but he was too familiar with the slight changes in my expressions. Just like he was with you and Annie, Marco was quick to relieve my anxiety._

_“She’s fine, Bert. She’s safe. I know you’ve been worried.” He held his hands up to catch and focus my attention back towards him.  “She’s pissed and scared, but she’s safe.”_

_“Where is she?”_

_“I…She doesn’t want me to tell you, but that’s why I’m here. I know that…She’s hurt, emotionally. What happened after I left last night?” Our argument sprung to the forefront of my thoughts. I had spent the better part of the morning trying to keep them at bay._

_“N-nothing.” Again I attempted to keep my emotions in check. Marco sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He rarely got irritated, especially with us. Most of his pent up irritation was actually taken out while scolding Jean when he became too arrogant for his own good. This really just further showed how he was better suited to care for you. To be a father for your children. Even if it would only be for a short while. There really was no telling how soon we would be able to return before our 13 years was up._

_“Fine then. Don’t explain.” His eyes returned to mine. “Whatever it is, fix it when this shit is over. Especially if…if I don’t get to return to Marley with you guys. She is going to need you. We don’t have much time left as it is…don’t waste it.”_

_“W-what? Of course you will. No one even has a clue about us.” I whispered frantically. I stepped closer to him, trying my best to ensure that we were not overheard. It wasn’t like him to speak so carelessly about our true mission._

_“No one is around Bertolt. The building is nearly empty.” His reassurance didn’t help to calm my own nerves, which were really due to his command of fixing things with you when today ended. I remained silent and that allowed for Marco to go on._

_“As I was saying. If for any reason something happens to me I need to know that she will be ok. There’s…just please promise me [First] will be looked after. Promise me you’ll take care of her? That you’ll protect her.”_

_“Marco…I don’t…”_

_“Bertolt promise me please!” I was caught off guard by the urgency in his voice. “She lo-she…trusts you. Please look after her.” All I could was nod and swallow any remaining counter arguments._

I slowly shifted in the bed and quickly noticed that I had more room to spread out my long limbs. I also noticed how half my body hung off the side, my arms resting in the empty half. I hadn’t had any of my own nightmares since we’ve been together, but your absence allowed one to sneak through. Your side of bed was cold to the touch as I blindly reached out for you to regain a sense of where I was. I really had gotten used to waking up with you in my arms, or even me in yours. After fumbling around in the near darkness of the room, I managed to make my way downstairs in search of where you had gone. Since that day in Shiganshina I have always been anxious when you would wonder off. 

            “Happy Birthday!” You shouted with glee as I descended the stairs. As I glanced around the main room I could see why you had been absent from our bed. You must have woken up early to decorate the room with candles and garlands you made from gathering various twigs and winter greens. It even looked like you had found some ribbons and wove them into a few. By the smell of the room you were also making a cake. I was thoroughly surprised to see the cake, especially since some of the ingredients were extremely rare in Paradis. I looked around the room and felt my cheeks heat up. In the five years we’ve spent here, my birthday had not been celebrated. Granted not many people knew and those that did, such as you, Marco, Reiner, made your well wishes subtle. But this was a surprise.

            “I know right!?” You beamed. Your [e/c] eyes were sparkling with excitement and anticipation.

            “It sure is something.” Reiner commented. “Happy Birthday buddy!” He clapped me on the back before passing me on the landing of the staircase.

            “So what’s the plan for the day?” Ymir plopped down on the overstuffed chair. It had quickly become her favorite spot to sit.

            “We need to practice on the ODM gear.” Reiner announced. “We can’t always bank on the assumption that the Scouting Regiment will wait until winter is over before they come to Shiganshina.”

            “Um…” Ymir looked between all of us. “Bertolt, didn’t you mention that the tanks were out of gas. The gear is useless, so how exactly are we going to train?” I look back to you and Reiner waiting for an answer.

            “[First] filled the tanks from the Military headquarters in town. That’s where she got the stuff to make your cake too.” Reiner answered simply.

            “Which is not finished by the way, so we’ll have to wait until dinner.” You quipped from your spot at the hearth tending to breakfast. I made my way over to you wanting to hug you in thanks, but stopped short when I saw the look that Reiner gave me. I could see the challenge in his eyes, however, there was no way that I would propose his plan to you today. I narrowed my eyes slightly and instead made my way over to where we kept the ODM gear and started to put on the straps.

Before long we were flying our way through the district. You had designated key points for us to hit and ‘tasks’ to complete. You and Ymir switched off on using the gear, even though it was highly likely that Ymir would not be a part of this upcoming battle. Honestly I didn’t want you to be a part of it either. As you expressed on several occasions when a nightmare still managed to slip through, you didn’t want to see anymore death. The day’s training went by fairly quickly and I was grateful for it. While it may have seemed childish, I was really looking forward to the cake you had made. Dinner was another simple stew made from the rations that Zeke had brought with him, and afterwards Ymir made a mad dash outside bringing in two large bottles.

“Grab some cups [First]. It’s time to really celebrate.” She set the bottles in the center of the area immediately in front of the hearth. You ran equally as fast to gather four cups as she requested. I had a fairly good idea what was in the bottles, causing me to become slightly nervous. Still, I was also curious. There had been an instance during the Cadet training when Connie had found some liquor that had been stashed away in the Officer’s barracks. Reiner along with Connie, Jean, and Eren got quite drunk. Marco and I each had about half a cup before I started to feel light headed and stopped. I remember that you were not very happy with Reiner the next day during combat training since he was your assigned partner. Actually you had quite literally, and surprisingly, kicked his ass all the while scolding him under your breath.

Reiner took one of the cups you had filled and sniffed at the liquid. I saw his expression shift before shrugging off any hesitation he might have had before downing the entire contents in the cup.

“Damn it Reiner.” You reprimanded. “Wait for the toast!”

“Toast? Y-you don’t need to.” I said as you handed me a cup filled to the brim.

“Sure we do.” Ymir added. “It seems [First] here has been planning this all week. Also, I never knew when your birthday was so we’ve got about 4 years’ worth of celebration to make up for tonight.”

“Yeah Bertl, don’t be so modest.” Reiner also chimed in. “Let yourself have a good time.” I was more self-conscious than ever.

“Here’s to the sweaty giant.” Ymir started.

“Ymir!” You scolded.

“Sorry. Here’s to you Bert. I’ve gotta admit that your ability to stay resilient during your time on this island is admirable.”

“Here’s to a loyal friend.” Reiner raised his own cup. I cast my eyes down to my feet. With each praise I became more embarrassed. Felt more unworthy.

“Here’s to my best friend and confidant. To my…safe place and comfort. I hope that you also receive the comfort and love you deserve in the next year and the many more to come.”  I could feel the irregular beating of my heart as it jumped into my throat. I didn’t know what to say to that. So I just gave a simple thank you.  

As the night wore on I felt my head spin from the amount of liquor that I drank. It was most noticeable when I stood up to go refill my empty cup. I could feel even more warmth in my face and it created a pleasant numbness to spread across my body. Ymir had introduced us to a few games she picked up in the two years she spent on her own before joining the Military. You also shared a few stories from our past.

“Hahaha.” Your smile was wide while you gripped your stomach from the force of your laughter. “And then Bertolt here, he…haha…slipped and landed right on his ass! I remember seeing the bruise for a whole month!” Reiner also joined in with a hearty guffaw.  After a few minutes Ymir’s own laughter subsided. Following her gaze I saw her look between the three of us and noticed how you had also calmed down a bit. She then stretched her arms up and made an exaggerated yawn and hit Reiner’s shoulder as her arm lowered. When he glanced over to her there was a nearly imperceptible tilt of her head. If I hadn’t been so intoxicated I would have sworn it was a gesture to indicate they should leave the room. Reiner looked back to face me.  

“I’m heading to bed. Happy Birthday Bertolt.” She announced. I also missed the pointed look she then gave the blond. He soon followed suit and somewhat lost his balance once he was fully upright.

“Me too. You guys have fun and finish that bottle!” He laughed again before drunkenly making his way up the stairs. Ymir then made her way to the bedroom on the ground floor.

“Yeah, don’t feel that you have to also go to bed on account of us old folks.” She chuckled. Neither you nor I had been given any change to voice our intention to follow suit, yet somehow both Ymir and Reiner knew to encourage us to stay.

Once we were alone the air became slightly uncomfortable. You decided to scoot yourself onto the floor slightly closer to the hearth. Still staring into the flames you broke the awkward silence.

“I meant it you know. That you’re my best friend.” I remained seated on the couch, trying to convince myself to finish the liquor in my cup.

“I-I know.” I replied.

“I hope that you think of me the same way, but I understand if you don’t. After all I…I’m not…” You seemed to struggle finding the words you wanted to use. Your own drunken mind likely swimming and blurring the room around you.

“I hope you know that you could tell me anything. Just like I can tell you anything...such as my doubts, my fears and desires…I fear…that I really am not a Warrior Bertolt.” You paused again to gather what you wanted to say. All the while I remained silent.

“What do you mean?” I asked before you had a chance to continue. You turned your head to glance at me over your shoulder. You pulled your legs into your chest and held them close.

“I mean that I haven’t really done anything to help the mission. I was given a different duty…and I’m too scared to do it. A Warrior shouldn’t be scared to sacrifice for Marley. For our people and to show that we aren’t the monsters they claim us to be. But I am scared and that fear caused me to run. Run to a place where I’ve seen nothing but death.” Your gentle start indicated you felt my weight behind you before I stretched my legs out to each side of your body. I pulled you against my chest, shielding you, and leaned back against the base of the couch. The two of us sat there for quite some time before I finally spoke up.

“You’re still a Warrior in my eyes. You have helped us. You gave Annie time to track down Eren in that forest. You’ve helped Reiner stay in his true state of mind since we got here.”

“True, he hasn’t gone into solider mode in quite some time. But that isn’t being a Warrior. I-I’m sorry Bertolt.” You let out a heavy sigh.

“It’s okay.” I pulled you closer and encouraged your head to rest on my shoulder.

“I rely on you too much don’t I? That’s why I’m not a Warrior. I need you-and Reiner- both in order for my guilt and fear to go away. But…I hope that you’d also need me.” Your voice became a whisper.

“We do.” I reassured. “You’ve been able comfort to both of us.”

“I’ve not…” A few more moment passed by in comfortable silence. You soon shifted and, sitting up, you glanced back over your shoulder. You turned around fully and crawled closer to me. You placed your own thighs on either side of mine, pulling them together which allowed you to sit in my lap. I coul tell that your actions were emboldened by the alcohol in your veins. 

“Do you want my comfort Bertolt?” Your voice didn’t falter in your question.

“W-what are you…”

“I should comfort you, shouldn’t I? Let me then.” I felt your breath against my lips as you leaned your face closer. I could taste the alcohol on your tonge, but couldn’t really feel anything from the numbness. Instinctively I wrapped my hands around your waist and pulled you closer, your hands on my shoulders so you could maintain your balance. This kiss was intoxicating as well. But I was still hesitating. Lowering one of your hands you reached for mine and placed it on your thigh. Our kiss continued and its passion grew. My lips moved with yours and I could have sworn you wanted more. You needed more. I felt you slowly continue to guide my hand up your thigh and lowered it between your legs, pressing the palm of my hand firmly against your clothed womanhood. You were so warm. Yet I froze. I didn’t want things to be like this. Even through the liquor infused fog that clouded my mind, I knew you weren’t acting like yourself. My mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenario in an attempt to rationalize what you were doing. Reiner must have spoken to you and your actions were just some attempt to save yourself. There was no way you could actually care enough about me to want this. I want me. 

“Stop.” I pulled my hand away from where I was longing to touch you. “Y-you need to go to sleep.”

“But I don’t-” Again your breath ghosted across my lips, sending a shiver down my spine.

“You’re going to bed.” I felt the icy tone in my voice cut you off. I pulled you up along with me as I stood, your arms clinging to mine. I looked down into your [e/c] eyes and nearly lost myself again. Your lips looked so inviting. Instead, my hands traveled down and away from your waist. I allowed myself to interlace our fingers as we walked upstairs. To anyone watching it would have appeared just like any other night from the past several weeks. But tonight I didn’t make any move to follow you inside.

“Bertl?” Your brows furrowed in confusion and tugged on my hand.

“I-I’m just going to clean up down stairs. You need sleep. I’ll be up soon. D-don’t worry.” I left before you had a chance to really protest.

 

As you undressed the room began to spin. Maybe he was right, that it was time for bed. Crawling under the sheets you smiled as you thought about him joining you in a few minutes. However, Bertolt never returned. The bed remained cold for the first time in 3 weeks and so your nightmares returned.            

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that Bertolt isn't too OOC. I've been worried about that from the beginning as there is just so little information to really go off of in the Manga and anime.


End file.
